Unquenchable Dreams and Desires

I want to know how it feels to fulfill my dreams. But am I just, like any other human, too shortsighted and unappreciative of all the past dreams I may have had and do not realize have already been turned into reality? Is this man's insatiable desire? How do you define life if desires never end?

A Life of Dreams

What is life all about?

Is life about chasing our dreams?

What is life with no dreams?

dark

Maybe I am dark. Maybe I like the dark. Maybe I want to understand the dark. And see hope from there.

I don’t think I am mentally and emotionally unstable. But I want to understand my limits better—in a healthy way. How dark can things go that I can handle? What is my level of tolerance of darkness? Because sometimes I enjoy the dark, too.

And I’m not talking about gore when I say “dark”.

Reflections on authenticity and harmonizing with other people

Do you ever get that feeling where you just want to stop caring altogether about the chaos in the world? That you’re done with all of it that you’re fine seeing the world burn? So tired of endless battles and going in circles, that you give up caring?

Do you also get that feeling of wanting to be yourself and not caring about what other think about you, or how to get along with other people? But when you look at yourself in the mirror, your conscience or your morals tell you that you should be ashamed? But also deep inside you, you want to be real to yourself—be so authentic and embracing of you? That you want to be that truthful?

Do you understand that feeling of being authentic and invulnerable, yet feeling so powerless because you’re not good enough in that authenticity? Like you want to be the best you can be and stretch your limits to come up with something that goes beyond this world, but you feel your weight pulling you back to the ground?

I feel like I have been pleasing others all my life, and neglecting myself. But to choose myself over others would also mean to hurt other people. What is the right choice? A middle ground, a compromise, feels like purgatory.

Truth

Don’t let me get in too deep, just for me to drown

Don’t let me get so high, just for you to let me down

Don’t make things so hard for me, and make me wait so long

Don’t make me believe in vain, just for you to disappoint

Show me how you really feel, forget what can go wrong

The hurt from truth will soon be gone, it will make us strong

Notes: wrote this around January 28, 2009. Don’t know what the inspiration was (can’t remember). Maybe a song I was listening to that I internalized too much.

I wanna be better.

I want to be better.

I wanna be more responsible.

I wanna be healthier.

I wanna be more disciplined.

I wanna be more expressive in an appropriate manner.

I wanna be more confident and self-assured.

I wanna be more fulfilled.

I wanna be more hardworking.

I wanna be more tidy.

I wanna be more helpful.

I wanna be more empowered.

I wanna be more creative and artistic.

I wanna be more punctual.

I wanna be more mature.

I wanna be more spiritual.

I wanna be a lot of things in life.

I want to use my time more wisely.

I want to really love myself more.

I honestly want to start now.

Detonate

You are dynamite, I'm a match.

I light a spark, you burn quick.

I turn to ash, you detonate.

Our only fleeting union, a disaster.

Originally found on Twitter: @Matcieou7th

Ashes

Dark sky

Red embers

Burnt house

Volcanoes erupt

Blinking lights

Outlines of people

Grey smoke

Ashes around

Burn our inside

Hurt our skin

Eat our flesh

Scar our soul

Alcohol in

Fan the flames

Blacken our blood

Poison us slowly

I see the sight

I breathe the fumes

I cringe in pain

I cry for them

Soon Forgotten

You've decided your path some time ago,

And we've somehow parted ways

Yes we still talk with each other,

But our future together now looks unclear

But I am happy, because there's someone new

Filling the place you've left

I may not have the moments I shared with you

With who I have right now

But it is compensated with the "present" I have

As well as the potential of a future

I am unsure of what tomorrow holds, though

But this is going good, at least for now

I think the important thing is

What I now have, while it lasts

I don't know what lasts forever anyway,

And I cannot see the future

Finally, I am thankful

That you will be soon forgotten

Labels: moving on, new, relationships, love, past, present, future, forever

Samaritan Heroics

Last Friday, around 2AM, I was on my way back to our place in Vito Cruz, Taft, and something you don't see a lot happened.

I just got past the LRT station when a vehicle was driving against the traffic, which ihit a car, and eventually tumbled over, crushing the driver beneath it. He slowly pushed back up his tricycle. Someone then wordlessly ran towards him, and that's when the driver moved quickly, and ran very fast away from the scene, leaving his vehicle behind.

It turns out the one who got there, was a Korean, who was chasing the guy with a huge white cellphone hugged tightly in his chest. A snatcher. The Korean stopped chasing because he looked wounded. He was barefoot and he broke his slippers. I approached him and offered help. He was alone and the onlookers wouldn't even help even though they were asking where the snatcher was. I kept on telling them where he was but they just stared and walked away shortly.

The Korean guy told me he hated it here in the Philippines because of things like that, but he was thankful for people like me. He kept on thanking me.

Anyway, he was wondering whether I could help him call the police. I was just hesitant to leave him there since the snatcher might come back for the tricycle he left behind. I saw the snatcher was still a bit near the place, but probably still wondering how he could get his trike back. I saw a patrol jeep at Vito Cruz that luckily stopped due to the red light. I called their attention and that's when the formalities started.

A first time for me. :-)

Fireflies and Butterflies

This is a story of when I was still a young child

On our trip home from somewhere far south

The road was unlit, and the night's breeze were still fresh

A sight so beautiful, I know I will never forget

I can still remember that time when I was with my cousins

At the back of our truck making all sorts of jokes and stories

When we saw tiny lights defeating the dark

A thousand fireflies making their home up above

Going years back, in our own little yard

I am a lot younger and a lot excited about the world

How small things around me could mean a lot bigger

Like that moment when a butterfly settles on a flower

And what do I find common in the life of these bugs?

Is how beautiful they are, and delicate at the same time

Trap them in a jar and enjoy their beauty

Or should I decide to let them live their lives and let them go free?

Going back to those years, I remember so clearly

I just watched afar, enjoying the scenery

I may have once or twice tried to trap them in a bottle of some sort

But that I will never do anymore, 'til the day I grow old

Now when I am grown, and these sound like kid's talk

I've still seen my own share of fireflies and butterflies in my everyday's walk

The same question I struggle to answer, should I stop them from going?

But I know what the right thing is, that is to let them keep on growing

Background:

It was last 2008 when I first wanted to write about a friend I met, and how our meeting was as short as a life of a butterfly. To tell you more, this was inspired by someone who was a grandson of one of the greatest presidents (in my opinion) of the Philippines, who lived a life in exile. We were classmates for a single term, and that friend of mine had to go back outside the country to continue his studies. I had a choice, whether to keep that butterfly in a jar and let it die, or set it free and let it live its life to the fullest. The same goes in real life, there are wonderful people that we can meet. Should we keep them from going their way and stop their journey and be selfish?

5 years later, this 2013, I met someone much like the first (note to self to refer to the date this was posted). And the meeting was as awesome when I first saw fireflies. And the same question rings in my head-whether to keep it in my jar and let it die quickly, or let it go with the others of its kind and allow me to watch them from afar.

I am not a biologist, but I know that the life of these bugs are very short, as they are fragile. In contrast to them, I have a full life ahead of me, and I must focus on that.

This writing is about letting go. Is this an easy thing to do? I bet it is not. It is needless to say that it is the right thing. Writing this now (and finally, after 5 years!) helped me settle on what is the right thing to do. I myself know how hard it is to do this, but I feel better now. Who knows, I can be in my own shell at the moment, waiting to grow out of it, right? Letting to of others can also mean letting myself move forward.

Symbolisms used:

1. Butterfly - Colourful, flight, short life, maturity

2. Firefly - light, nighttime, cigarettes, short life, innocence

*In reference to their equivalent qualities in real human life

PS

This music/video reflects this post a bit. Not sure if you will enjoy it, but I definitely like the song.

References:

http://pinterest.com/pin/177821885256892290/

http://www.firefly.org/

http://www.babble.com/babble-voices/alli-worthington-this-is-alli/2012/06/11/summer-magic-catching-fireflies-junebugs-on-a-string-widdle-wobsters/#fireflies

Tackling the Atheist Argument: Either God isn't real, or He is evil... Well, is He?

[DRAFT]

People arguing that either God isn't real, or that He is evil because of death, illness, wars, and evil in the world itself. This is a poorly constructed argument. The regular atheist who would argue this is either lazy, or easily gives up to find the right answers.

To argue this is like questioning the existence of pests, insects, predators in the animal kingdom. Why do they exist? One similar but simple question would be why should cockroaches exist? Why would God create such a creature? I only see it as an inconvenience (see here how man's perception is very limited to its limited knowledge). Funny that another similar but seemingly different question would be, why are there predators in the animal kingdom; and are they evil?

But how about trying to figure out the answer to why they actually exist? One simple answer is cockroaches exist to let us know if a place is dirty. I have also asked if there is any good with cockroaches. A couple of things, yes. They are part of the food web, keeping the ecosystem balanced. Cockroaches are radioactive, too. That can be a good thing for researchers to study about.

The second question similar to the original argument is the existence of predators. This is a no-brainer. Are animals evil for hunting and preying on other animals? A normal-thinking adult would quickly say no. An innocent child would answer a bit differently, feeling a mix of a bit of fear and some morality. But generally, are they evil? No. They need to hunt to survive. They do not kill just for "fun" like humans do (notice how "evil" is different when it comes to man?). However, this is a similar thing to the cockroaches example. It's just a matter of how we perceive things.

One should definitely read C.S. Lewis's work, "The Problem of Pain". He was an atheist. A very smart one. Smarter than your average atheist. He didn't stop with questions. He came looking for the answers. Seek and you will find. Knock and a door will be opened. That is exactly what Jack (C.S. Lewis) did, and the consequent results are what he found. I shall not try discuss what it contains, except that it is a good book to quench all questions about the existence of pain, suffering, and general "evil" in the world. One who would claim intelligence (typically an atheist) would put his so-called intelligence into good use by reading this book. Let's say it is a test of true intelligence for one to read this.

Speaking of suffering, illness, and all those bad things, evil has repercussions, effects, costs -- to those who do it, and even those who don't. It ultimately is caused by the one who do evil. Bottom line, evil affects people negatively.

Question: Does God want death, etc.? He doesn't. He showed His love by becoming Man, and dying on the cross to pay for our sins (to pay for the natural cost of man's sin). But He also is a righteous God, and He will not break His own laws of goodness. But it doesn't end there; He provided a solution -- Christ's death, which must be accepted by faith.

Population and Contraceptives

And kung sino pang mahirap sila pa talaga.... tsk tsk tsk. nice one LIM

Like ·  ·  · Share · 4 hours ago

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  Matthew Daniel Torres Sendon Point is, the number of children in a family is not an issue if resources were sufficient. And one big reason why there is insufficiency is because of corruption. It affects the budget that will provide education, security, peace, and so on.

  2 hours ago · Like
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  John Granada then dont rely on the government, just plan and do things the is best for your family, resources will always be uncertain, but what can be certain of is your decisions. lagi nalang blaming government tau eh, kaso kailan pa ba nakabuti yun, i say suck it up and do something about it yourself cause at the end of the day yourself is your worst enemy, if you think ahead and strategize about family and life then you should follow it. DISCIPLINE should be instilled among the Filipinos. BUT SADLY MANY OF US, referring to the vagrant community is uneducated about these things, and is very undisciplined!, also the contraceptives are preventive measure against the spread of STDs. also the poor community are aware that they are poor are they not???, that being said then they should limit themselves already to what they only sustain. also IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE A COUNTRY WITHOUT POOR PEOPLE. REGARDLESS OF HISTORY and ETC.

  2 hours ago · Like
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  John Granada also you are responsible for what actions you have done, not the government.

  2 hours ago · Like
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  Matthew Daniel Torres Sendon To clarify the point, the reason why people are against the use of gov't-supported/funded contraceptives as 'a solution' to hardships experienced by, especially, the poor people, is because it is a morally-sensitive issue. And, if there are other ways to make life better than that, other purer ways (i.e. clean governance, effective government, etc.), then why not?
  
  Everyone will pay taxes for bills that are passed into law. Imagine having a law that some people are okay with, but to others are completely against their principles. Those that did not wish for that law to be put into law will suffer. It is not a win-win situation if the said bill is put into law. Even those who aren't the poor making lots o' kids; even those who live decently; even those who pay taxes decently. The cost is theirs to bear, and theirs is the heaviest. Imagine the logic of paying for something you don't want to buy. It's like being charged for a ring tone you didn't order, and especially that which you hate. And is it their fault that the bill is there? Why should they make that sacrifice?
  
  If however the bill was not put into law, no-one really loses. Status quo, you can say. But the point is, and the argument to not push a law that people are against is that there are other means to achieve goals. Instead of investing money (we are actually talking 'money' here), why not invest more on infrastructure? On agriculture? On national defense? Etc.?
  
  The aim of the bill is to 'make life better', isn't it? But there are many ways to it. If you had to only choose one way to get there, which would you choose? As the moral maxim goes, "the end does not justify the means." Speaking of morals, it seems like people are willing to bypass or minimize/modify their morality nowadays. But oh well, times are indeed changing. We are getting worse (mankind, that is).
  
  Also should we not blame the gov't but blame the poor? Lemme share a saying from C.S. Lewis:
  
  "See the bear in his own den before you judge."
  
  http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/126044-see-the-bear-in-his-own-den-before-you-judge

  

  a quote by C.S. Lewis

  www.goodreads.com

  See the bear in his own den before you judge of his conditions.

  9 minutes ago · Edited · Like · Remove Preview
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  Matthew Daniel Torres Sendon Is a big population, in essence, really a bad thing? Think about it. What makes a big population really bad? Is it because of the number? The size? Nope. The only thing that makes it 'look' bad is resources. We are pointing our fingers to the wrong ones.
  
  Compare the two scenarios:
  
  1. A family of 8 children with enough money.
  2. A family of 8 children with no money.
  
  We clearly see the bias/discrimination here. Does money guarantee you the right to bear children? Is it a privilege of the rich? Nope. The rich does not have more right to bear more children than the poor. And the rich shouldn't dictate to the poor that they should bear less children because they don't have money. Also, the rich should not blame the poor for the evils in society, because they bear a lot of kids.
  
  The only real difference, and the factors that makes it 'bad' are the following (the way I see it):
  - education
  - resources
  - support
  - culture
  
  Conclusion is, the population is not the problem. It's the system. And by system, I mean it's the way we think. We are to blame for this all. We have the wrong mindset on population.

  3 minutes ago · Like
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  Matthew Daniel Torres Sendon Do we really have solid evidence that a big population is a bad thing? Last time I've heard the news, coming from the mouth of the Finance Secretary, he's got a positive comment on the pop'n of the Phils since the working age is quite young (ave. of 22) in a few/several years projection. He said it was a good thing, and the way he said it was not even morally-based, but statistics based.
  
  Look at the country who have pop'n control laws (excuse my rough representation of information):
  
  *Russia - the age-proportion of their pop'n is an inverted pyramid. There are a lot of old-aged people vs. young people.
  
  *China - they force abortion due to the one-child policy.

My sentiments about Jesse Robredo's untimely demise.

Unresolved. This is what it is. Jesse Robredo's death remains a mystery. We are not stupid. You don't just die from a plane crash without any reason aside from engine failure. Where is the investigation at right now?

I think all those awards, honours, and what not given to Jesse Robredo were all a show. These are not enough to ease from the loss we had when our dear Jesse died. If the dead could speak, I bet Jesse would say that he'd be pleased, and his death not a waste, if what he started in the local government reform was continued.

About the government, what are you doing right now? P-Noy? You could have focused more on figuring out what had happened (unless you already know), instead of showed us some grandeur on TV like when Cory Aquino died from some cancer (a lot of people die of the same disease, even worse, but don't get that much attention). Attention does not solve anything. All those fancies are worthless. They don't change a thing. I would have appreciated it and would genuinely say that I see the government is really doing something if, instead for a grand ceremony for my modern-day hero Jesse Robredo, I see some real investigation, some real concern, some real effort to find out why things happened, why our Jesse died. Yeah I appreciate that grand stuff, but it's not supposed to close the curtains on what's happening. Gov't, I'm not saying you're evil or what, but there are two types of sins: one if you do something evil (commission), and the other is when you don't do something that you should have done (omission).

I don't know about this traditional politician Mar Roxas, but he's nothing like Jesse Robredo. This Mar Roxas goon is all about the position, about the elections, about climbing the political ladder. I hope that you do your job well, or at least even match what Jesse has done. We don't need another pretty politician face in that, not that you have one. We don't need another personality who looks good on screen. We don't need someone who waves confidently on camera, and flashes a smile when on the microphone.

On a final note, I just want to inspire a response from anyone who would be reading this. You may have your own thoughts on his death, speak up. Here's a report about Jesse's last actions before he died:

"Robredo confronted head of anti-illegal logging task force, Paje says "

Link: http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/266548/robredo-confronted-head-of-anti-illegal-logging-task-force-paje-says

Real Freedom.

I've always reflected on the real meaning of freedom, and I even sometimes doubt rules (although I follow them). I am sometimes confused, and I do doubt myself sometimes whenever I preach that rules and freedom are not mutually exclusive. But it's just really refreshing to read the below article regarding freedom. It speaks so much truth about freedom, and the illustration on freedom and rules blending well together just shows what it really means to be 'free'.

"Most people in our post-modern society are crying freedom from rules and regulations. Surely freedom means that you can do what you want, doesn’t it?

"By way of illustration, picture this scene: a high speed train is hurtling along its tracks towards its destination. Now imagine the same train leaping off its tracks, crying freedom and running across open fields, completely out of control. Which of these scenarios is a true picture of freedom? The train running smoothly along its tracks as it was designed to, or the train hurtling out of control, throwing passengers out, killing and destroying right across the field? If a train leaps its tracks, it’s not free – it’s dangerous.

"To use another illustration, imagine you go out to a concert one evening to hear a solo pianist perform. You are expecting to hear some relaxing classical music or perhaps some jazz, but the pianist announces that he is a “free” musician and is going to play some of his own compositions. Being a “free” musician means that he doesn’t believe in or follow any of the conventional rules of music – he just plays a random, discordant and unrelated series of notes and chords. How many of us could listen to that for any length of time? Maybe you would you like to go to such a concert – but that’s just the novelty element!

"A train off-track, picture of real freedom?

"The fact is, all good music is expressed within the framework of a set of rules which are interpreted in various creative ways. Even a genre such as jazz, which many consider to be very “free” in its expression, has certain rules that govern it. A jazz pianist will drop the root note of his chords and “colour” them by sharpening or flattening notes in the middle – to put it roughly! But he is still moving within predefined boundaries to express subtle nuances of sound."

Read more: http://www.colindye.com/2012/04/16/sexual-freedom-or-sexual-bondage/#ixzz25tbkCZsp

So, to conclude, freedom and rules are not mutually exclusive. They are complementary. :-)

C.S. Lewis quotable quotes - Mere Christianity #1

I wasn't able to quote any favorite lines from previous chapters. I'm going to start with Chapter 4 and add on more later. I wish I have done this (blogged about/quoted extensively) while I was still reading "Miracles" and "The Great Divorce". I think I did post some quotes but then these were already buried in Plurk, Twitter, and Facebook. :-(

Anyway, I'm reading "The Complete C.S. Lewis Signature Classics" published by HarperOne (an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, just for the sake of paging reference. I plan on buying more of his works once I'm done reading this, or if I have more money to do so, whichever comes first. Hehe.

Chapter 4: What Lies Behind the Law, pg. 28

On Laws of Nature, and on Laws of Human Nature:

"The so-called laws may not be anything real--anything above and beyond the actual facts which we observe. The Law of Human Nature, or of Right and Wrong, must be something above and beyond the actual fact of human behaviour. In this case, besides the actual facts, you have something else--a real law which we did not invent and which we know we ought to obey."

Personal note: I'd like to adopt Jack's quick "definition"of reality as "something above and beyond actual facts which we observe." I like how he was able to demonstrate this definition throughout his books such as in "The Chronicles of Narnia", and "The Great Divorce", as well as "Miracles" (the only ones I've finished so far). This definition is further expounded by the above quote, as "a real law which we did not invent and which we know we ought to obey." I've thought of this earlier, and I'm thinking of using "patience" as an example to this apparent truth. I cannot construct a scenario where a person wouldn't want, or would demand, patience from others, especially when we're not doing something right. It is a 'rule'. I am excited to read "The Abolition of Man" and the appendix explaining C.S. Lewis's comparison of world beliefs/religions, observing this Law.

More posts to come! :-)

pg. 28-29

"Ever since men were able to think they have been wondering what this universe really is and how it came to be there. And, very roughly, two views have been held. First, there is what is called the materialist view. People who take that view think that matter and space just happen to exist, and always have existed, nobody knows why; and that the matter, behaving in certain fixed ways, has just happened, by a sort of fluke, to produce creatures like ourselves who are able to think. By one chance in a thousand something hit our sun and made it produce the planets; and by another thousandth chance the chemicals necessary for life, and the right temperature, occurred on one of these planets, and so some of the matter on this earth came alive; and then, by a very long series chances, the living creatures developed into things like us. The other view is the religious view. According to it, what is behind the universe is more like a mind than it is like anything else we know. That is to say, it is conscious, and has purposes, and prefers one thing to another. And on this view it made the universe, partly for purposes we do not know, but partly at any rate, in order to produce creatures like itself--I mean, like itself to the extent of having minds. Please do not think that one of these views was held a long time ago and that the other has gradually taken its place. Wherever there have been thinking men both views turn up. And note this too. You cannot find out which view is the right one by science in the ordinary sense. Science works by experiments. It watches how things behave... why anything comes to be there at all, and whether there is anything behind the things science observes--something of a different kind--this is not a scientific question. If there is "Something Behind", then either it will have to remain altogether unknown to men or else make itself known in some different way. The statement that there is any such thing, and the statement that there is no such thing, are neither of them statements that science can make. And real scientists do not usually make them... Supposing science ever became complete so that it knew every single thing in the whole universe. Is it not plain that the questions, 'Why is there a universe?' 'Why does it go on as it does?' 'Has it any meaning?' wold remain just as they were?

Personal notes: Too rich in content. Comments to follow after. It's pretty late and I need to sleep soon. :-s

Lessons in Life: "A Lot" (Numbers)

It's not how much you have, but how much you need, and how much you can handle, that matters. It says a lot about fulfillment.

"A lot" does not mean satisfaction. It can mean "too much" or "too little" for those who can't handle it. "A lot" suits the person who knows what amount is right for him. And if "a lot" is the right number, then "a lot" it should be.

Why am I writing this? Because I just realized that I don't need a lot right now. I don't think if I was given "a lot" that I'd be ready for it.

"A lot" is a responsibility. How much responsibility can you handle? Well, maybe we can all equally take on responsibilities (no matter what the degree). But how prepared, and comfortable are we with responsibility? Responsibility requires commitment, and hard work. Feel free to add to that list of the requirements of responsibility. But it's not easy.

I have a habit of thinking of "I used to be this or that, etc." But what's important is "now". The past, its memories, can serve as points in time we can get back to when we want to have short breakaways from the current. But there is no use in lingering, and dwelling in them, while abandoning the present. And, we work for the present, expecting for something in the future.

I hope that in writing this, I am opening up a door within me that would allow me to take on responsibilities, big or small. I want to grow loving and fulfilling my responsibilities, so I can be prepared for more as I go. May this be a start.

To prophesy.

To prophesy about one's self.

The wish that today never ends.

'Nuff said.

Change is eternal.

I don't know how I'll feel in the future. Would "it" still be the same tomorrow? Because, yes, I am aware that change is eternal.