Your Return (The Moment Of)

It was in an unexpected situation when I saw you.
An unpleasant place where we met.

I see you're quite brand new.
With that dazzling new look, clothes, and cut.

As your appearance have changed, so has your name.
There's just so much time has done on you.

Your gaze is sharp and still and fixed.
Your face looking moist, soft, and smooth.

And I stand beholding your countenance.
I still see the innocence in your eyes.

Behind your eyes, your mind thinks there's no return.
There is no hope, only good bye to who you were.

Your dreams, your good ambitions, they have disappeared.
All you think is left are your mistakes in front of you.

You tighten your grip for fear of your past, while your future looks bleak.
The only hope left for you is a bitter end.

Oh how I wish I could tell you, "do not fear".
How I yearn to restore your faith in life, and in yourself.

These magic words are enough to bring you back your life.
Words we all long for, much particularly words of love.

I hope in the end, may love, like light, finally find us from our being lost.
At last, we'll have our lives back.

Notes:

Have we ever met someone we knew before, who was really close to us? Only to know that person has changed so much? And, that "change", isn't so "good"? And have we ever wondered why they have changed "that way"? And is there any way to "get them back"? Those are the questions that filled the lines and letters of this poem. I hope you find a deep connection with it as I have.

Arrogance and laziness... Or something new?

Sometimes, there comes a point that I feel like I "know it all", and that I have enough skill, intellect, and everything one needs to do something; just like in writing. I used to write a lot on my blog. Nowadays, however, I get a pretty hard time to even finish one decent, heartfelt post. It's because most of the time, I only just really try to produce a blog just for the sake of producing one, for the sake of making me feel like I'm "still" the writer that I used to be, and to make me feel like I am a man of skill, especially in writing. Downright, I can tell myself that I feel arrogant yet without any acts.

As far as I can remember, I began starting to lose my interest, or rather, my spontaneity in writing when I transferred to De La Salle University in Manila. I began to get busy in school-related stuff and my own preoccupations as I feel like I was finally on the path towards my ultimate man-made dreams. Those dreams, as I can describe it, are ambitious dreams that I have set for myself; ones that fill out my selfish desires, as human and as normal as they are. It's just that ever since, I've been grounded to the knowledge that man, specifically I, has a purpose to fulfill, and that if I blind myself too much of my own desires, I can't be able to fulfill my own purpose in life.

I also have a feeling of trying to "bring back" the past that I was. It's partly because I don't want to be upset anymore about my past frustrations. One particular past frustration is to continue being the best in what I excel at. In that I forget that man changes, even though the essence of his character may still remain. Maybe I'm just not really perceptive of what those changes are, and not as ready as I should be, and also not flexible enough to take in those realities.

Whenever I think of the things that I have been best at, I fall back to the thought of the reality that there is a better one. Just now, as I try to reminisce receiving awards and distinctions of excellence, the thought that there is somebody else better than me immediately kicks in preventing me from moving any further with my thoughts. This has always been a weak point of mine.

I always look to the past glories that I was able to receive, and then think of how frail I really am that I forget how I have worked hard to achieve them. My immediate action also would almost always be to turn my attention into something else more present and calming so that my heart can flee from the fears beginning to set inside me.

In the end, the result is I don't get to be the best in what I do, I spend too much time reflecting and taking time off to recover from my concealed fears, and I stay trapped in it. The progress is so sluggish and it takes almost like eternity just for me to really wake up and learn what it is to learn.

I want to fight this time. I need to wake up from the grave that I have dug for myself. There has been a thousand and an infinite more times that everything around me is trying to pinch me back to reality, but I have been numb from them. This time, I need to feel and begin feeling again.

Things might be different now -- I'll embrace that. I will just try to figure out the new course of things and take it into my system. But, I'll also try to learn how to be open to change. Somehow, though, I feel like this is something bigger than just the concept of change. That is what I want to find out.

Hello, change. Hello, newness! Hello, how things go around today. Hello to the yet unknown way of life.

Does Love and Fear Mix?

Does love and fear mix? That is the biggest question on my mind tonight. Although, I have a strong feeling that I have the correct answers in my pocket, I still cared to search on for answers to my heart's cry.

Oftentimes, I think of other people committing mistakes. I am the type of person who thinks that we all are vulnerable to temptation, committing mistakes, and hurting (and being hurt with that). I only think that there is a little exception to these flaws.

There is an infinite amount of dangers in the world, I admit I believe. For the world for me is like a tamed jungle who, when your eyes have blinked too long, will bite. It is not the first time that I have experienced worrying about something miserable to happen. Tonight's not one to escape from it. But, tonight, I want to end it.

Tonight, quite strangely, I had this wish that there be a Bible search engine. If there's one, oh what joy and truth there is at the reach of my fingertips. Well, what I did in an attempt to extinguish the shout of fear trying to subdue me is, I looked over on Google with the phrase "does love and fear mix?".

I strongly believe in love and it's power to patch brokenness and strife. I have seen it work in my life and in others close to me. I see it everywhere I look; in the television, in the lives of people around me, in strangers, in my mistakes.

Finally tonight, fortunately, I have indeed found the most credible answer to my question. Does love and fear mix? No. If there is fear, love isn't working fully in you. The mending power of love can't be in full work. What I had to do for love to work is to let go of my fear, and let love.

I am the type of person who doesn't easily believe in something requiring me to yield my principles. I require the sturdiest credibility from everything that requires me to believe when it comes to delicate beliefs in my life like love, faith, and some other values and moral upholding. Despite my lofty standards about my belief, I am lucky enough to have found the most believable answer that I can ever have. I'll share it below:

1 John 4:18 (New King James Version)

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Ode to Truth

It's this truth
That I'm not that aware of
Who was and is responsible
To be blamed for all this

It is this reality
That has forever changed me
And such has opened my eyes
To a new form of beauty

Since before I clung to you
Believed though I see not clearly
Your hands that are now upon me
Now I see are stretched fully

This honesty
It is living reality
And this you must see
He's (It's) given all for me

It is admitting that this is my limit
And moving onto a new dimension
And from thereon accept it
A world of no limitation

When all in this world is open to you
And accept you with their own arms open
What liberty is there found everywhere
Everyone free, no man under slavery

Writer's notes: Yeah, this is how I describe truth. Once we accept the truth and be open with it, we are made freer. Wether it be failures or success, when we accept or face the truth, it is made better. If failure, turned right. If success, turned more.

Note the last stanza that I wrote. It says that when all the world is open to the truth, this world will begin to change. Fears will go away and deceptions and fallacies that once haunted people from moving or doing something are now gone. TRUTH!

Hahaha, honestly, one of my inspirations in writing this is when I talked to Venice this afternoon at school regarding some important stuff. She reminded me of the 'Honesty Award' that I've received in the recently held BUTIL Lasalyano (Batch 5, ENERGY!). Hahahaha... on my way home, I've thought a lot about it, relating it to a lot of stuff and I came up with a lot of insights and this poem. That's just about it. Hahaha :p

Waiting

As I sit, I think of you
Fearing things I know ain't true
Wond'ring where you might be right now
Wishing you'd be here already somehow

I try to supress this feeling inside
I believe the good things, the doubts I hide
Waiting for the doors behind to slide
Till you're here just by my side

It's been hours and ages that I sit
You seem to be not able to ever make it
But patiently, again, I put my trust
I hold onto your words, I'll try to last

I knew before what I entered into
When I let my heart [to] be closer to you
I will not blame you for whatever you [might've] done
The day again's approaching, it shows the sun

I'd forgive and I'll forget your frailty
A thousand more than the infinity
If that's not enough, I'd give more
Until you'd look me and now adore

If though to you my heart I give
And you hold back and me you leave
It's just a stage to prove [to] you back
Of what real love is all about

Writer's notes: This is about forgiveness. People [that we love] may hurt us, but that's what love is all about. (To think that I'm actually saying this, haha, I should really learn this! :p) Real love forgives and is unconditional. It asks nothing in return. Though, the right response is gratefulness, love is still giving. Hmmm... :) hehehe

BTW, this is actually a variation of another one that I wrote entitled 'Traffic'. Hehe...I wrote it at the same time with a difference in a few minutes lang hehe. :) Kaso ito, about the person failing you, and you forgive, and then comes reality. Yung isa naman, it's comedic. In the end, paranoia lang pala, kelangan lang pala ng konting trust and there you have it. Patience pays. Pero beware of false patience. Baka sometimes we are patiently waiting for what we know isn't for us (or we aren't aware yet). Hehe. :) Wahahaha, am back to bloggin! :p bleh!!! Wahehehehe

"Do not be afraid..."

Do not be afraid of God and life... We love you and will never leave you...

A Lost Child

I see you and I know that you are a lost child
A child who ran away
A child with no place to stay
A child who forgot what home feels like
A child who's scared, afraid to go back

But I came to find you so that you're not lost anymore
I came to find you, leaving what I have home
I came to find you, knowing your life is precious and fragile
I came to find you so you'll find your way back

Fear and Drama

This is just drama that I want to share, this isn't wholly true (as I have said, it's drama). Maybe it would be true if I were in the mood for drama again, hahaha :) I wrote this for my friendster account, but decided to remove it 'cause it was way too dramatic... Hahaha :)

I'm full of fear, fear of losing a person, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, fear of someone to go [astray] the wrong way, fear of nothingness, fear of having no dream, fear of the reality of my hopes, fear of misbelief in my visions, fear of being not enough, fear of being unfortunate, fear of fear overcoming me, fear of everything not physical but that which determines the destiny of a person, fear of love [hurt] at the same to time to lose...

Fearless

Times are different, aren't they?
Just look at who we are today
How unlikely contrasting to who we were yesterday
I wonder what time has done to change us

I know my eyes are fooling me, I won't believe
I'll stop listening to the fool inside telling me all the lies
It only started when I began to get scared
Then, I'll stop, I'll become fearless

I'm fearless, isn't it weird?
After every word that I've whispered
All the fears that I've uttered?
Yes I am guilty, but I will prove it

You won't see me anymore the way I was
It wasn't me in the first place
It's time to return to who I was before
Before fear began haunting me

Oh fear, what has gotten into you?
Where did you even come from?
Before I didn't have you, now you say that I love you?
Now I am troubled, all 'cos of what you've done

I'll finish it now, wipe your tears away
Stand up and begin to pray
Say sorry for being weak, and loving fear's stare
The things that have scattered on the ground I pick-up again

Stop now, I will go

The words come out
From the tears, they speak for me
The meanings come from the blood
That I shed in my heart, inside me

I see only black and white
I am living inside history
This is just a dream
But this is reality to me

You haven't seen because
You didn't open them eyes yet
You didn't want to see either
Cause you already knew the truth

You were the one who did this
How could you not know?
But I ask this question more
How could you endure?

I have the answers in my pocket
I know that you're afraid
I've told you a thousand times
The same thing over and over again

It hasn't remedied anything yet
Nothing, not a gain
You're still searching for solutions
To the questions that you've scribbled

I know what to do now
I'll go there where you are
To the place that you avoid
Where you fear to tread upon

Not alone but with you I will
I will go before you, You will see me
I will take all the harm in the way
Just to make your fears go away...

Come on outside

Whew, promise! I badly want to go out and see civilization because I feel that I am missing a lot of things in life.

I'm not really a 'gimik' person and I don't really like too much going out especially in Manila alone. Now, I've changed my mind, I've changed too. I think that there's really nothing wrong going out. Maybe I was just very thrifty before and too practical.

Today, I feel the need for fun, for entertainment, for something pleasurable, for something I can do for myself. I feel that I need to treat myself out. I feel that I need to discover the world 'outside' unlike my usual stay at home. I've changed, I've realized that I need to take care of myself. I'm beginning to be responsible of myself and not others. I'm beginning to shift my care from others to myself, or I'm sharing it. I feel that people need not to be taken care of too much if they're not your special someone or love. That way, they'll learn. That way, they'll be responsible too. Being too good is bad, too much is always wrong in many ways [to a lot of things].

I also have lost many things in my life for not being flexible, for being afraid to come outside. Like a "little girl offered a candy, her momma said that it's okay", but her reply was, "no , I can't come out today" (from Sarah McLachlan's song-Good Enough). Yeah, that kind of fear.

I've seen fear, fear looks big enough to eat you if you wear your magnifying glasses. The size of fear is what you make it. No matter how big it may be, adjusting only your eyes would make it small. If not small, very, very big, but only the thickness of a paper [even lesser].

Oh, I hate fear. I wan't to go out, I wanna see other people, I wanna be there with them too. I love them, but if I hold back myself and my inhibitions, I'll have nothing in the end. I want to have what I worked hard for. The measure of my hard work has been very big. I want to have something for myself.

I love you, thank you for teaching me the things in life that I couldn't learn alone... Thank you very much...