I have a lot of fixing to do...

I have a lot of fixing to do tonight; and even tomorrow, I'll still have a lot to patch up about my life. From my desolate multiply site, even the ruinous Friendster, to even things that are better left unsaid or kept to myself.

The physical and the superficial reflect the shadows of the deep things anyway, don't they? I guess that this is just some sign that I am in need of picking up the pieces and mounds of litters that I have created behind me, those that I have tried forgetting. I'll have to face them all in the end and clean them up if not be consumed by them. But, the latter option wouldn't be fit for me to do. I was born to end up doing the right thing and not to end up falling, I believe.

Falling is just a part of the journey of learning. It happens until your eyes fully open.

What to really put on my blog?!?!

Up to now, I'm still a bit confused about what content to really write on my blog. I don't know whether to just put them on plurk, or just leave it in my head and to not write it at all so that it won't just be a filler. But, I guess right now I'm writing it here. It turns out that it's not much of a filler after all. It's me anyway. It's who I am. And, so, I am writing this down and documenting it.

Adieu! ;)

Arrogance and laziness... Or something new?

Sometimes, there comes a point that I feel like I "know it all", and that I have enough skill, intellect, and everything one needs to do something; just like in writing. I used to write a lot on my blog. Nowadays, however, I get a pretty hard time to even finish one decent, heartfelt post. It's because most of the time, I only just really try to produce a blog just for the sake of producing one, for the sake of making me feel like I'm "still" the writer that I used to be, and to make me feel like I am a man of skill, especially in writing. Downright, I can tell myself that I feel arrogant yet without any acts.

As far as I can remember, I began starting to lose my interest, or rather, my spontaneity in writing when I transferred to De La Salle University in Manila. I began to get busy in school-related stuff and my own preoccupations as I feel like I was finally on the path towards my ultimate man-made dreams. Those dreams, as I can describe it, are ambitious dreams that I have set for myself; ones that fill out my selfish desires, as human and as normal as they are. It's just that ever since, I've been grounded to the knowledge that man, specifically I, has a purpose to fulfill, and that if I blind myself too much of my own desires, I can't be able to fulfill my own purpose in life.

I also have a feeling of trying to "bring back" the past that I was. It's partly because I don't want to be upset anymore about my past frustrations. One particular past frustration is to continue being the best in what I excel at. In that I forget that man changes, even though the essence of his character may still remain. Maybe I'm just not really perceptive of what those changes are, and not as ready as I should be, and also not flexible enough to take in those realities.

Whenever I think of the things that I have been best at, I fall back to the thought of the reality that there is a better one. Just now, as I try to reminisce receiving awards and distinctions of excellence, the thought that there is somebody else better than me immediately kicks in preventing me from moving any further with my thoughts. This has always been a weak point of mine.

I always look to the past glories that I was able to receive, and then think of how frail I really am that I forget how I have worked hard to achieve them. My immediate action also would almost always be to turn my attention into something else more present and calming so that my heart can flee from the fears beginning to set inside me.

In the end, the result is I don't get to be the best in what I do, I spend too much time reflecting and taking time off to recover from my concealed fears, and I stay trapped in it. The progress is so sluggish and it takes almost like eternity just for me to really wake up and learn what it is to learn.

I want to fight this time. I need to wake up from the grave that I have dug for myself. There has been a thousand and an infinite more times that everything around me is trying to pinch me back to reality, but I have been numb from them. This time, I need to feel and begin feeling again.

Things might be different now -- I'll embrace that. I will just try to figure out the new course of things and take it into my system. But, I'll also try to learn how to be open to change. Somehow, though, I feel like this is something bigger than just the concept of change. That is what I want to find out.

Hello, change. Hello, newness! Hello, how things go around today. Hello to the yet unknown way of life.

ONDOY STRANDED FILES: BETTER FOOD IN CSB THAN DLSU

I've heard that you had better food daw there sa CSB (friend chicken, pork, etc.). Sa'men kasi, Corned Beef lang. :)) Anyway, the stranded people stayed 'til Sunday morning (around 7:00AM). Ako naman, I tried to cross the floods with my bare feet para makapag-LRT which was operational na at around 11:30AM. Dumeretso ako sa Ayala (LRT-MRT) then nakasakay ako ng free Aircon Bus pa-Alabang. Yay! :D

Anyway, DLSU turned into the ff. bodies of water:

Lake Lasalle-Amphi,

St. Joseph River,

Miguel River,

Northgate River,

Southgate River,

etc.

I wasn't able to travel around the other areas such as Gox, Velasco, atbp. so I don't know how to call them na. :)

Note: the adventure was fun! You get to cross bridges made of wooden benches and classroom chairs.

The Menu of Someone with Braces.

As some of you might have known already, I had braces installed last Friday. I was expecting pain during the first two or three days, but I must say that it's entirely different once you experience the pain that the dentists warn you about.

The pain doesn't really bite unless you create an impact by accidentally hitting your upper and lower teeth together. Or when you try to bite, there's a sore feeling of pressure in your teeth. Or, when you sleep, you feel like your jaw freezes and your teeth is in pain if there is even the slightest movement. Plus, you'll have a feeling of biting, which in turn hurts you all the more.

Anyway, I went to the supermarket this late afternoon to buy me some food since I haven't been able to take in some real deal of food because of the braces. I was getting hungry too that's why I decided I'd go to the mall/supermarket. But, before that, I asked my mom who's bed-ridden for being sick if she has anything to ask me to buy since I was going to the supermarket anyway. It'll all be in just one go if there's any. She asked me to buy fruits, specifically, grapes and a fourth slice of watermelon.

So, there I went to the mall. I first stopped by at Jollibee and bought me what they call a "Creamy Macaroni Soup". It is, from trying to look for something I can eat from the other restaurants/fastfoods, what I think I can take in this 3rd day of having braces.

I proceeded to the mall and met my 2nd eldest brother with his peers. It was great because I didn't know how to pick the best of fruits in a market or a supermarket, so I asked the older ladies who was with him to help me (since my bro doesn't know anything about it either).

Anyway, my trip inside the supermarket was really nice. I actually got more than I planned to buy. So, here's a list of what would be my menu for tonight, and my snacks for my first day of classes for the second term tomorrow:

1. Strawberry Yogurt
2. Noodles (Lucky Me, haha, I just missed the taste, and it just seems that I can handle eating it!)
3. Some Polvoron (which a nice lady induced me into buying because of a free taste)
4. And, a jar of Stick-O's (which Barvi, AKA Barbara Goduco, advised me to have while in braces)

What made the grocery adventure fun is that I didn't bring with me any cash (except the 150 Pesos my mom handed me which I used to pay for the soup I had earlier, and which I forgot I had afterwards during grocery). But, it was a smart thing because my mom told me to use my BDO ATM Debit Card which I really liked. At first, I even thought that it was a bad idea, and I was unsure because I was thinking that you'd need two (2) valid IDs to use it. But then, it worked very smoothly which caused my enjoyment. Yay! :D

Okay. The only thing I regret about my grocery session today (can I really consider it as grocery since I only bought a number of things? Haha) is that I think I didn't do well when I bought the Polvoron, which I think tasted really good. It's because my sister told me that Neomi (did I get it right?) was selling Polvorons for only 60 pesos for 24 pieces, against the one I bought for 100+ pesos for 18 pieces. SAAAD!!! Okay, yeah, sad. But, I'll get over it. Hah, hah, hah!!!

Well, overall, I feel great today. Not only did I receive a great spiritual in-filling from the house of God (church, Sunday), but I also had a great day surrounded with all the blessings you can think of. Plus, I'm excited for school tomorrow, which is another just such a great blessing that God has given me.

See y'all! ;)

Stubborn Tooth (part 1)

For my whole braces or orthodontic plan, I need four of my teeth extracted to allow space for my teeth to spread nicely. Last Sunday, August 30, 2009, I had my first ever tooth extraction (I was supposed to have two extracted in one session, but only had one because of the extreme difficulty in plucking it out -- will be detailed later).

So, I went to the dentist to have two of my teeth extracted in one session. I had a total of four that needs extraction, one from each corner of my set of teeth, and it was best practice to extract two at a time, and the next two three days after the first one. Finally, the day has come that my mom finally had the time to escort me to the dentist to proceed with the pre-orthodontic procedures to give way for me having braces. We arrived pretty early at the clinic at some time before 3PM; pretty early because we usually arrive late in the afternoon.

Before the procedure, my mom asked me if she could leave me during the surgery. It was fine with me because I'm a grown up man already. But I told her that I'll just probably send her a text message if there is something she needs to know.

The surgery was finally able to start at about 3:30PM. I was asked which side I prefer to have extracted first: the left or the right; she clarified by telling me that I should leave the side where I'm comfortable eating. I chose the right first to be extracted. Then the dentist started the whole extraction process at the right side, with the lower tooth first.

On average, tooth extraction takes about 2 hours at most, especially with impacted wisdom tooth. That is the track record of the dentist who was handling my operation. Wisdom tooth extraction, especially impacted ones, are difficult procedures, but, in the case of the dentist, it only takes about 2 hours. But, what everyone failed to see before hand was that I was about to make a dental history with them for later taking more than 4 hours in the procedure.

Now, the difficult labor all began. The surgery finally commenced. The area surrounding the area of operation was first numbed with anesthesia with probably less than 4 shots. I didn't feel a lot, but I knew that the 'elevation' started. After 'elevating' my tooth, they then started plucking out my tooth with a tool. There began the extreme pain the surgery had for me; and even all the doctors who were there.

I was feeling great pain when the dentist was forcefully pulling my tooth out; I felt like my whole jaw was about to tear. Later after the surgery, the doctor who mainly handled my operation had her whole right arm numbed because of the force she exerted.

The dentist then tried to pause the operation and began explaining to me how difficult my tooth extraction was. She was also explaining how it only took her 2 hours at most to remove impacted wisdom tooth, and that mine was really difficult to remove. She showed me some x-ray visuals and explained how it contributed to the difficulty of the procedure in my case.

When they proceeded with surgery, did some more elevation, which contributed only very little to the ease of extraction, they gave up again. They described that the tooth wasn't moving at all when being plucked. It just stayed in place no matter how much force they apply in pulling it out. During some more 'elevation', however, the tooth was 'slightly moving', they describe. But whenever they try pulling it off, there is great pain as if my jaw is going to tear as it goes with the tooth they're trying to pull out; the tooth remains intact with little to no movement at all despite the forceful pulling efforts.

They asked me to rest again, this time my mouth was engorged in more blood than earlier due to more and more 'digging'. It was the time that my mom got back, and I also tried to shed a little amount of tears. In my mind, I was just really relieved that my mom was finally there, which gives me a lot of comfort. I didn't expect that the procedure was going to be that excruciating, neither did the dentists know it was going to be that difficult, and it just helped that somebody dear to me knew of my case.

The dentists began to gather together at the station where I was to help the one in charge of my operation. They all tried to help and swapped positions trying to extract my tooth. But, they all just couldn't do anything.

They finally made contact with their senior dentist, the one who owned the clinic, and reported my case. What I heard was that they were to try removing some of my bones to loosen up the grip on my tooth. It's only done when the tooth is impacted, too difficult to extract, and the likes. It sounded like an extreme effort, but there was no other choice. They explained to me that it couldn't be left like that because it'll only swell, and that the only way to finish is to get the tooth extracted.

I wasn't able to track the time at that time. I just told myself that it should go on. But inside me, I had something else in mind. I remember the dreams I had before that I had a lot of times. The dream was that my teeth were all falling so feebly like they're overripe fruits falling from the tree. I had the dream several times already and it felt like it was almost real. I finally understood that dream because of the operation, that in reality I had stubborn teeth that were really hard to pluck out.

My own list of Epic PC Games!

Ever since I was young, I was a PC game adorer. I've pretty much grown up in front of the computer -- from watching other computer users (older bros), to hands-on in school, paying to play at computer stations (including consoles), and to owning my own game console. I've grown to have quite some good computer skills by really hanging out a lot by (or beside the presence of) the computer.

It's gonna be all about games from hereon, I tell you. So, start bracing yourself!

Games I don't like much

I've also had my share of favourite computer games, and those that I've detested. But, I think it'd be better to list down first those that I didn't like much.

I wasn't into racing games. Most of my older bros (and even my youngest bro) are fond of racing games. I'm not. I just wasn't into them because they're repetitive: only road, checkpoints, chasing after time, and winning (or losing).

Then, I wasn't into basketball or other sports games. I barely know about basketball. My only memory of playing basketball during my childhood days was when I was still 9 years old, in 3rd grade elementary for PE classes. After a few nights practicing shooting balls at the local court, failing, and getting frustrated, I decided that basketball wasn't for me. I've always been like that whenever I feel like I'm not doing good on something -- I quit right away. I tell myself that it just might not be for me, and I don't have any resources to do good on it anyway.

I also wasn't into Diablo games that, back then, was REALLY popular. My older bros pretty much liked it, and I almost always used to watch them (in horror, I was young). One great reason why I didn't like playing it is because, being a little kid, it was a really scary game. You get to fight animated skeletons, devilish fiends, goblins, all in dark tombs, mausoleums, crypts. It was all just so scary -- to have living hell just at your backyard?! Plus, the scariest thing about it was the SOUND EFFECTS that make it all really scary. I can still recall the sensation of fear I used to have back then, classic, and still making me shiver. Hehe.

Games I liked before, but not so much (or at all) anymore

I think my list of games that I didn't like ends here. Let me mention now those games that I used to like before, but do not anymore today.

At 5th grade or so, I got really addicted to strategy games, particularly Red Alert, Dune 2000, and the likes. I liked Age of Empire too, and it's really epic. But I think I shouldn't talk about it as early as now. I'll save it for later. Going back, I think I spent thousands of bucks which I took from my allowances just to get to play Red Alert non-stop on computer shops (or cafes). Back then, we had time-limits to computers (and computer games). We usually only had 30 minutes. It was some funny but great way of discipline. I miss it actually. Now, however, whenever I hear of Red Alert, I think I'm gonna puke because I'm so full of it. The reason is I think I've finished every bit of expansion of it (Yuri's revenge, etc.). I got so addicted that I got way past my limits, that in the end, there was no excitement left to hang on to.

Games that I liked a great deal, still do, but probably won't get a chance to play anymore

Well, most of the games that I really liked playing, and probably won't get to play anymore, are Playstation (PS) games and those from other game consoles like Dreamcast, Game Cube, XBOX, and other later versions of the consoles.

One of my top favourites from Playstation is Tenchu. I love everything Tenchu, but I liked best Tenchu II for the storyline. It's just so sad that I wasn't able to finish it before. I probably won't ever anymore. I only used to play it at a neighbor's or friend's house -- at Osmond's. Haha. We almost always used to argue, if not for pleasing him by returning some other favour. Haha.

I've grown to love A LOT OF DREAMCAST GAMES. The reason is because it is the only game console I got to own. It was supposed to be a Playstation. I actually was disappointed but later I loved it. Getting one paid off.

One of the best Dreamcast game I've loved (and still actually love and adore) is Shenmue. I finished the first game, but wasn't able to finish the second. Too bad, I really wanted to know what happened to the main character during the 2nd part. I was cut when he was about to arrive at Kowloon City in China. The CD I had was broken and it really left me hanging and broken.

Another beloved Dreamcast game is Phantasy Star (Online). I wasn't able to finish it myself because by that time the Dreamcast got broken. I've also known that there were later releases of the game in Game Cube that had much better graphics. And I'm just in awe. I actually saw the commercial in some Computer Gaming show on TV. But I never had a Game Cube.

I also loved Power Stone, probably the best Dreamcast multiplayer game, the ROCKIN' SPAWN multiplayer game! Quake III Arena, Toy Soldiers, and Outtrigger! Those probably are the best mutliplayer games, but here comes the best of them all: Dead or Alive 2! Hahaha! It had beautiful graphics (and bouncy girls), cool storylines, and awesome moves! I just can play it all over again! Oh, I liked Soul Calibur too, but the controls were a bit complicated. It's still nice cos of the graphics and character details!

My own list of Epic PC Games

I guess this is the moment of truth, the climax, the finale, and the most awaited part: the epic ones! Well, I've nominated them as the best, the classic, and the most epic games I've known and played. They are the following:

Heroes of Might and Magic II

The first time I've played (and actually discovered) Heroes II was from a Demo CD included in a PC Gaming Magazine that my older bros bought. My first try was really confusing. I didn't understand the gameplay back then as I was still too young. I always lost to the computer (cos it was really difficult, really). Then, after a few months or a year, I tried it again, and me and my bros liked it. That was maybe before 2000s, or the early 2000s. Then, just within a few years ago, I tried looking for the game again, this time the full version. Even though it was sooo classic and cartoony, it was GREAT. Real CLASSIC and EPIC. I finished it til the end. I then went on playing the sequels, up to the 5th! I even bought an original complete with expansions DVD of the 5th installment of the game just this year (3rd term of 2008-2009)!

Age of Empires

I'll always love Age of Empire. It is the King of strategy games for me. I'll always love the different history lessons I've learned from it (hahaha), the funny sounds and noises, and the different tribes. It's just really fun to play.

Serf City

Before, (before the 2000s) I've played a game called Serf City. It was great. We all loved it. You build a castle, a platoon of armed forces, and flourish. Well it was a classic game too. And real epic! It's one of the best strategy games too, not even in 3D! Today, I've played the latest version of the game which is Settlers. It's in great 3D now, and Ubisoft did great on the graphics. Only those who were able to play the initial versions of the game will appreciate the new ones!

Lords of Magic

This game was released at about 1999. I'm just not so sure about it. Back then I didn't understand how it's played although it was cool with all the races, elements, and characters to be recruited. It was another strategy, myth, magical game. Within a few years ago, I looked for the game and played it. I really love it. It stays classic and epic.

Last but not the least, since I'm getting tired of writing (it's past midnight already), I'm revealing my latest addition to my own list of epic PC games!

Nox

This games was released on early 2000s. I just liked it. I'm still gonna download the game... and will play it soon! Hahaha!

Back in action!

I was out of action... but I guess my commitment remains to my journal like an invisible cord that links it to my heart.

Well, I guess I was just passing by my journal. Signing off for now, but signing back again soon! :)

Sharp Dreams, Vivid Visions

As mentioned earlier, I'm setting up a blog about my spiritual visions and dreams. And so, here's the link:

http://sharpdreamsvividvisions.blogspot.com/

Just an update!

Good night!

Work life learning experiences

I'm gonna write some of the things I've learned about work life in this blog soon. Just not now because it's getting late. Just for the record!

A talk with Ate Gina: My call to write down my dreams and visions

I had a talk with Ate Gina last Friday, August 14. She was supposed to ask me to fix her laptop's internet connection. She invited me to eat first since I haven't had dinner yet, and we went to some deep spiritual talk and fellowship. We talked about how God's spiritual gifts should be exercised, especially since we are His vessels here on earth.

1st Message

She shared some of the things she received as a message for me. She told me that if I keep a journal, I should write down the visions and dreams that the Lord has given me. She couldn't remember the exact verse in Ezekiel but one was about God's command to Ezekiel to write down those that He has showed him.

It was just so right on the spot because Ate Gina did not know that I have created a journal before to write down the dreams that God has given me. Sadly, it lied in ruins so I decided to delete it weeks ago. A few days before we got that talk, when I logged in to my blogger account, I noticed that my blog can be "un-deleted". It was such a perfect coincidence. A sign for me to go on with what I'm doing. A go signal. Ate Gina also doesn't know that I'm a journal-keeper or a blog-writer.

In Ezekiel 40-42, the Lord showed Ezekiel the details of the temple including the laws of the temple. Portions of Ezekiel 43:10-11 says,

¹⁰ "Son of man, describe the temple to the people of Israel... ¹¹ ...make known to them the design of the temple—its arrangement, its exits and entrances—its whole design and all its regulations and laws. Write these down before them so that they may be faithful to its design and follow all its regulations.

2nd Message

Another message that she received for me was that the Lord was giving me a "jump-start" in visions, that he'll give me visions in full-color and complete clarity. That was the impression she had. She told me how Pastor-Prophet Kuya Gerry Misajon started out having small visions, to little images, to black and white, to something wider and clearer today. She said that I'll have it in full image right away.

I told her about the first time I had a vision that it felt very real and it was very clear and vivid. She blurted out the word "vivid". It was exactly the word I had in my heart when I visualize that fresh vision that I had for the first time.

This is sealed in Jesus' Name. Amen.

My Spiritual Visions & Dreams Blog

I am supposed to write about my spiritual visions and dreams. I actually am planning to put up a specialized blog about it, but up to now, I still haven't. Well, right now I will. It starts immediately after I post this one. :)

I'll link that blog to this one soon.

Baptism of 'Matt From Here On Out'

Well, since this is the first ever blog post I've done, I've thought of making it special in such a way that it'll be remembered as "the first one". So, I hereby baptize this blog as titled "Matt From Here On Out". It is so-called because, first, my name is Matt. Second, I've created it to write about the matters of my life from this day forward.

So, fellas (if there is actually any), here is 'Matt From Here On Out'!

Sometimes, You Just Have to Try to Let Go

I'm supposed to be talking about something else like how I'm irritated with Mac's Yahoo! Messenger's lack of a Group Messaging feature, or if it's just my ignorance. Or, I'm supposed to pen into poetry a wonderful thought that sparked in my head. But instead of doing those things that I "should have" done, I ended up writing my two previous blogs. What's happening?

But, maybe sometimes you just have to try to really let things go, even if they seem really good to do. Those feel-gooders can be the reason for you to be stressed. It can also not be good on you.

This moment makes me remember the times when I was writing for my personal blogs, that usually my dad asks me what I'm doing on the computer. It's because I usually write during late hours. I also remember how I couldn't answer directly that "I'm writing to my blogs" because of the feeling of it being a 'personal' matter to not talk about or detail on it. Now I feel like I understand why he asks me like that. He's just helping me from being too compulsive and too attached at something.

Should I have insisted on continuing to write down the thought that I had into poetry, I'd have been more compulsive. Or, if I kept on going with being pissed off at Mac's Yahoo! Messenger not having the Group Message feature, I'll be keeping on looking for the solution on the net if there really is such a feature and stay up all night, or be frustrated for proving myself right that it actually doesn't have that feat.

I should learn how to control my urges and my desires. Not all things that seem wonderful to me should be done right away, and in some instances, not done at all. Right now, I can only wish that I can be able to stick up to the words that I am saying. Because I feel that I still haven't done so.

How the Atmosphere Affects Us

Atmosphere, environment, and situations really affect the way you think and how you do the things that you love doing. That is what I've observed tonight.

I've been really pressured to put up something new on my personal blog recently. I just can't seem to "squeeze" out any fresh idea or something really original and not scripted. Scripted in such a way that I'm not just writing for the blogs to make me feel okay because there's a new post. It'll only be for the short term, if I do that. Because, posts that do not have a real connection with me are just like fillers. Like fake smiles that do not last. Like add-ons that you immediately forget after buying.

I've been through an upstair-downstair robot craze tonight and it really stresses me out. Technically, because I've just been through an accident and I've broken three of my left foot's weight-bearing bones. It's still not easy for me to go up and downstairs. I can only think to myself that they feel the way I feel being "pushed" around for some insensitive unimportant orders. It was really driving me to the brim of my humanly limits.

I went upstairs, after going through a stressful upstair-downstair errand mania, and some silent, serious thinking about a lot of things. I do think a lot -- I actually tend to think deviously -- when I feel really stressed out. Well now, I'm lucky enough to have a moment of peace and reflection. In fact, really fortunate to have the chance to bypass my fears of doing something and needing to do it out of fear. I'm talking about being able to express myself right now genuinely.

Things are much different now than it was maybe an hour ago or a few more. It's been long since I've stayed where I am right now -- alone in my converted-room-slash-bed, and silently & peacefully conversing with myself in a preserving way. I'm using the word 'preserve' because that is the way I treat The Day Writer. I treat it as a memorial of who I am throughout my ages.

I can only compare how the world I was in a few hours ago is a lot different than the isolated, protected incubator that I am in now. From there, I think I have decoded the reason behind my painful separation and break from being with my space, these sheets of intangible paper that I'm writing on.

Proof that I'm Really Feeling Compulsive Tonight

Tonight, I'm feeling compulsive. I've been feeling really stressed out too. Argh! Work responsibilities (yeah, I still haven't "officially" withdrawn from my work -- not 'til Friday), ERRANDS (yeah, in big LETTERS cos they're not just your simple run-to-the-nearest-store-and-get-me-this-and-that errands, but HEAD-PULSATING ones!!!), social pressure (well, it includes some family-related thoughts that I have -- some normal phenomena, don't worry), and some that I might even have forgotten to mention. BUT, (yeah, but), I'm glad that right now, I'm in front of the keyboards (and of course, the screen) tapping into words, words that at the very least soothe me, give me rest, and help me "breathe" again.

I've been wanting to write something new. It's sort of a compulsion (just proves how compulsive I'm being today) for me to think that I NEED to blog. It's because I feel like I've paused too long and have not done a lot of blogs, that I NEED to do something about it, and that I NEED to put something on my personal blog (something written, of course). And, the feeling of me compulsed to do it makes me feel like it's something unreal and not genuine, that if I do write something, I'm gonna ruin the honesty of my blog, the genuineness, and the heart that I've sown in it.

If you look at it as a whole, I'm sort of cornered by two really pressing sides:

1. Me writing blogs to salvage my forgotten and desolate blogs... but risk its integrity because I'm only doing it for the sake of "putting something in it"...

or

2. "Wait" for the magical "spark" or the "magical moment" that some heavenly inspiration befall me, and I enchantingly write something wonderful, true, me, honest, and blog-worthy. Yet, that "waiting" remains the same -- still an act of waiting. And, in the end, nothing happens. The blogs are still empty. They are left there with flies hovering over them. They have no freshness in them. That Time has passed them by, and the wonderful changes that has happened in the real world and my life has had them left behind.

It's saddening. I feel so emotional and sentimental to think of it right now. Enough to jerk a tear out of my eyes and unto my cheeks. Well, I'm making it more dramatic than it actually is. But, that's how it really is when you write -- you squeeze out the emotions inside of you. The creativity that can be extracted from the world around you. The neon colors that surround you. Isn't that right? It just adds up to the beauty of the world that's bigger and more unimaginable than what we step and breathe on.

Well, at least now I can say that I'm finally able to get through compulsion, and let them all out. It must be just a result of all the stresses that caused me to inhibit some of the things in me, even without me knowing it. Is that even possible? Well, I guess it is.

By the way. I've entitled this blog as the "proof that I'm really feeling compulsive tonight". You might ask why it is so because you might not see anything so compulsive anywhere this blog post aside from me talking about compulsiveness. Or, maybe not... Hahaha! (laughs) Actually, I really do. I'm supposed to be sleeping tonight, but I just can't because I don't feel like sleeping. Somehow, me worrying about the blogs just keeps me from sleeping right. That's also why I'm here right now and writing this. Oh COMPULSION. Compulsion indeed!

Suicide Decisions

I'm not an economist, but I'll talk somewhat economics right now. What I have in mind as for the moment is how some "big" decisions can greatly affect an entity. How it can fulfill all the original planned benefits, or how it can bring about unseen destruction.

For one, Crocs, a great brand in the world of flip-flops, offers an "indestructible" pair of slippers. Once you buy a pair, you'll probably never need any replacement, unless you lose them maybe. They have a good history and story of a booming success. Today, however, they're stuck in a very messy situation that calls itself "doom".

Because Crocs gained worldwide popularity due to its success in the U.S., they decided to expand their operations, creating lots of factories in Asia, particularly in China as I remember. More factories led to an increase in production. This plan sounded really fine for their growth. They started just this mid-2000, and there's still more to come and add to their beginnings.

Last year 2008, however, saw a very unexpected turn in the history of the world. A great downfall met the economy of America. The economic crisis did not affect just one nation, but it affected the globe. The scars of this meltdown can still be seen up to this year. This is also the reason why Crocs is, as economic experts say, already over though still existing.

There are decisions that even the greatest labels make only to lead them to the pit. A small turn can lead to a great tumble. It makes me wonder if it's luck that dictates the fortunes of companies in particular.

There are some companies that do not offer the greatest quality of product, yet they succeed. Some offer the best, but commit suicide with their decisions. Though I'd like to think that this is not the destiny of all that do good, I just can't help but notice how it happens. Quality should always be mixed with meeting the needs and the eye of the people. A good product is nonsense if it doesn't sell. Or does it?

For now, I can only wish that things (some particular ones) were as they were before. I can't enjoy my Multiply.com account anymore because of the new design. It got complicated. I can only join the bandwagon of people complaining about the new design, although I liked it before. It's because I can only notice how my usage has dropped ever since the new design and functions.

Just a thought to ponder on.

I'm Ending My First Ever Job

I'm supposed to write about quitting my first job, but I think my thoughts have expired. I've thought about it maybe two hours ago, and the idea just does not seem as fresh anymore. Plus, the thought of the night clock ticking, and the time getting more and more late approaching morning is eating me up. Oh, there's pressure pushing me "not to write" about what I originally was thinking to write.

Well I guess talking about all the hindrances in doing what I wanted to do helped. It's sort of me putting away and facing my problems. Now, I think, I can finally start talking about my experience in ending my first job.

Last June 2009 was the start of my first ever job. My work is simple: I write about at least 5 celebrity blogs containing the latest news about specific celebrities, and maintain them. Ideally, I should work 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a cap of 10-hours a week. It means I cannot exceed working for more than 10-hours and get paid for it. Extra work done won't get you any credit except in extremely special cases.

My first shot at this job was fine. The rate was also okay: about a dollar and half per hour. Not bad, to think that the rate for amateur freelance tutors, one of my college dream-jobs, is around that rate too.

When I started writing my first contents, I was still trying to get a feel of what I was doing. It wasn't smooth, but after doing some work, I started doing great, at least according to how I see it. Now, I can only be thankful for having the experience of having a job, working for it, and "what's actually in a job". You'll get to know work ethic, responsibility, commitment, quality of work, and relationships. I'm lucky I've gained those things in my first job.

Things are good, but they aren't perfect though. It is so as I am about to end my first job. It's not the easiest experience to end a job. I don't know for others, but this is my case. I think I'm having a hard time with letting go. It sort of gives me a scary or fearful feeling that I'm gonna be worthless, or I'll hurt the boss whom I'll leave, or that I'm responsible for the loss of the job that I'm to leave. I'm THAT compensating.

Tonight, however, when I've thought of it, I think I'm done. I'm not talking about the job alone. I'm talking about all those stuff in my mind that hold me back and paralyze me. People come and go. Flowers flourish, and dry up. Stars get fame, and become forgotten. What's the difference? The important thing to learn, however, is to not hold-on too tightly to what the moment offers, because moments fly. Appreciate them when they're there, but learn how to move on, whenever appropriate, and embrace change.

In ending my first job, I feel like a needle's been removed from my body. Like the Filipino saying goes, I feel like "nabunutan ako ng tinik sa lalamunan". I now understand what that phrase really means. Hahaha! Finally, I'm free of the responsibility of "earning". I'm a free man again. I feel like a child again. I'm new, as ever and always. I'm in bliss!

Finally, I can sleep!

I'm More of A Reader Than A Writer for Now

I've found some content that I find appealing and interesting. I think I'll be a reader now than a writer. I like what I'm seeing. I'm not putting an end to writing, though. I'm only waiting for a rebirth. I want to be like a sponge and absorb everything I can, grow in it, and burst in full bloom when all these happen.

My current reading interests are:

- Travels
- Classic stories and art designs
- Nature

It's good that I'm into reading now. I'm not much of a reader before. During my childhood days, I was into art, drawing, cartoons, anime, and computer games. On my teenage years, I was solely into music, less drawings, more of writing comic books and fancy news items, jokes, but never reading. Then come college, I moved on to writing my own reflections, poetry, and other content. Now, having left being a teenager and into the 20's, I guess I've finally come to a point of appreciating the work of others. I've become more humble, humble enough to give credit to others than myself.

I've learned this one thing today when I've read the work of others: you can never flourish by yourself. It is diversity and harmony that gives way to newness, innovation, and new birth.

Blog-Babying

You know what, I've had quite a long break from writing personal blogs. I'm trying to find out the reason why, but tonight, I can only go down on pointing one reason. Just to clarify, though, I'm not saying that it's the only reason. I believe that there are a lot more reasons behind me not writing, and losing the "feel" or the "urge" to write any more passionate than I do before.

The first reason I tried blogging out was when it was still probably the year 2007, February, when I was really wondering what blogs are. Sure, I have an idea of what it is, but being a skeptical person, I puke out what I know, do not believe them, and only really grasp what they mean when I get a first-hand relevant experience of them.

I was also starting to collect and compose short text-message verses, and quotes. Some of those, I've turned into nice short poems. That's when I officially started writing poems, and really delved into poetry. It was a nice start.

February 2007 also marked the start of us having our first-ever decent DSL connection. That was a time when Broadband internet connection started making its way into Philippine mainstream, beginning to eradicate dial-up connections. It was really timely as I've just created my first-ever blog while in school, a few days ago before the official internet connection is set-up.

At my first shot at writing the blogs, my main activity revolved around transferring compositions (poetry, quotes, sayings, thoughts) that I've saved in my mobile phone. Back then, it was my handy and ever-present "diary", whenever the computer and the keyboards to write with were not available.

Things got better and my writing "skills", if there is such a thing, improved. I moved forward to writing directly to the blogs. I composed poems right on the spot, mainly focusing on the idea of love for the initial blog posts. Some, about fear, about principles, about youth, life, and other relevant things to me back then (very teenage-like).

Today, I'm suffering from "loss-of-fresh-content" syndrome. Hahaha. I can't even write anything new to my blogs. I feel like it's a commitment that I do not know of anymore. It's like a lost love, or a too familiar part of you that it doesn't matter anymore whether it's there or not, in a good or bad situation.

Two years after creating a blog, I've created this particular online fancy journal account called "plurk". It's some sort of short-journal writing site that allows your friends to view your "status" or read the thoughts that you wrote for them to see. It's fun to use and quite different because your thoughts are shared on the mainstream. At some point, though really short, I think I've become addicted to it.

The main difference between "plurk" and blogging is that blogging is more personal. It's more introspective and reflective. It's more "permanent". Plurking or "plurks" can be tracked back all the way from the start, but it's not really meant for that. It's something like thing of the moment, and it's made for that. It's basically an "update" material.

I love the personal touch of blogs. Though right now, I can't fully appreciate it yet, I believe that my attachment to it, although none is really required by anything or anyone, will be for the long-term, say eternal.

Blogs should be "babied". They should be given extreme personal care. They should be trusted, watched-over carefully, and committed time to. Without those things, they're without life. I hope to baby my blog. I hope to revive my connection to it. To do that, I have to find my reason, and the hidden exceptional purpose in it. Maybe then, I'll have known what to do, and how to do it.