Saturday, April 4, 2009

My Rest (And Talking About Something)

The only lesson that rang the loudest bell in my ear today is about keeping watch of what I do, especially for God's glory.

I have just checked my myLasalle portal account to view my grades and check what's going on. Who knows, there might already be an update about my grades. I'd like to cut short my prolonged agony anyway. By agony, I wish to refer to anxiety. My heart was still pounding when I viewed my grades. I only saw 'NGS' which means 'No Grades Yet'. I saw the titles of the courses, one and the first of them being something that began with "Organization", I thought that it was for the second term and that there was some sort of error. I again tried to look at it clearer, this time holding my trembling anxiety. At last, I saw that there weren't any grade encoded online yet. Oh, well. The agony still breathes.

I should really evaluate my performance this term. I think that I have tried to evade facing the truth about what's really happening with my academic performance. This time, I believe, is the time that I finally face what I have long tried to deny.

In simple words, my academics are shattering, and are crumbling into pieces. It is in a deep, dark, and shameful place. To look at it, if it can be looked at, would only cause remorse or disgust. Well, that's the way I would most likely look at it.

Why? Have I lost my zeal? Zeal, for me, is even too small a word to describe what I had before. It's a very academic term. It was more like a gift handed to me freely, promised to me. Now, it seems like I haven't been a good steward to the things entrusted to my care.

What am I doing? What are the reasons behind my invisible fall? Why is it that my destruction is too silent and subtle? It's as if not telling me the truth though it's happening right in front of my face.

I cannot simply wish for the zeal to come back. Oh, I'm using zeal as the term again. I must look on. I must know His answer. I know I'll get it soon. By faith, I do. I need Him now more than ever. He's all that I'll ever need. I'm really regretful, shameful, and sorry that I laid low in faith.

I glimmered with the sensation of the talk. I walked in only the fame of the fad. However, I never really entered the ball because I never believe that I was part of it. Now my soul longs for it more than ever. I care no longer in what other people think about life. I only need one thing, and that one thing I can find in Him...

This is my personal desire.

My You. My Selah. My Rest...

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