Sunday, October 26, 2008
It won't make sense if I don't even remember myself anymore...
I just need to remember who I am, was, and will be...
This is an urgency...
So, don't forget, please, to remember me...
Friday, October 24, 2008
Right now, I have SkyFlakes as my midnight snack. Yep, you're right. The plain-flavoured biscuit in rectangles that has holes in it. Haha.
Now, you might want to ask me why I should be writing a blog about such a petty thing as that. Well, here's the thing: for a few days now, I've had a fever. And, just recently, I've discovered the significance of the term called "paracetamol". Hahaha. And, I just figured out that your tummy should have at least something in it when you take them. So, though you get it already, it's just because of the simple reason that I had to eat something in line with taking meds. Hahaha. :))
However, come to think of it, this is what midnight snack literally means -- eating snacks during midnight. Since I'm having one due to indirect necessity, It just makes me wonder what makes other people have one too. Lol. :)
Change is indeed inevitable. However, when we change, I believe that we must be aware of it. If things go out of hand and control, it is the time when it is the most difficult to handle change. When the things we become and have changed into are images that we aren't familiar of nor comfortable to look at, that is when we'll have a hard time coping with change.
I myself have experienced quite a bountiful number of changes in me too. As I reminisce and try to remember who I was before, I think of trying to "get back" the things that I know I was... but with that thought, a conflicting idea enters in -- since change is inevitable, is it necessarily good, and should we just be caught up in its raging currents? Or should we fight its course?
Today, I'm not about to answer that question that I have in mind. I think that answers aren't what I need right now. I can say that because even now, my mind's caught up with lots of cares to even add another heavy one. What I need today is a simple release. A breather. An exhale. A cool down. Comfort. Relief. I think that babbles are enough. I don't need another ounce of intelligent foolishness. I don't need another ton of worldly wisdom that won't even move me anywhere were I should be, only blinding me of my original course and direction in life. If I'll draw the road that I'm in, I'll draw myself in the middle of a corn-field of tall plants that blind me of where I am.
Right now, what I need is enlightenment, enough for me to understand who I am (again -- if that word applies). I just want to be versed again of the meaning of my life. I want to go the path that I once knew.
Did I have amnesia? Or is it just because I got too much carried away of my cares in this world? Those ones, especially, that I even hate doing? What have I turned into? Yes, this is change and it is constant, but is it supposed to run out of control? Is it supposed to ruin me? Am I supposed to reach the lowest, darkest depths of the earth just for me to see light again? Is that the routine that we all should take before we learn or even see the light?
Now that these words has been said, I guess that this is where my journey begins.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Today, however, I've given up. I'm tired of trying to do what is clearly beyond what I can do. I'm tired of promising people that I'm gonna do something for them that I do not really know of. I'm tired of hearing them ask me if I've done it yet with me still struggling to find out how to do so.
With this honesty in hand, I begin to learn genuinely. As I acknowledge my weaknesses and limitations, I actually identify my threshold and my points for expansion.
Today, this is how I'll do things -- I'll identify those that I can readily do and just normally do them. Now, with the things that I do not know doing yet, I'll admit that I can't do them. However, I am open to learn them. Starting now, bring it all on. I have a new rhythm anyway. ;)
All of us probably see snakes as scary animals (if not for machismo in the house). This is exemplified through all the movies so far ever recorded (or tell me if it isn't so). From the recent film "Snakes on a plane" among others, we could only help but see them as fierce and poisonous animals. Why is it always like that? Do they really need to be feared? Oh, I guess that here enters the biblical text on how the Serpent who used to have hands and legs until they were removed and the serpent was turned into a crawling, creeping being, much like snakes. But, are we so sure of the real and literal translation of those mystical biblical texts to just so easily conclude that snakes equate and symbolize evil and evil alone?
Can we, this time, see snakes as beautiful animals, even just for a while? And, would it hurt to make it last longer? Can we, for a moment, exempt them a little bit from those that were literally written in the biblical texts? We're in the age of grace today anyway, so why not have it applied for such an animal? Besides, they were created by God anyway as it said that "God created creeping beings". Satan is a different, although similar, story. He possessed the serpent who had hands and legs, much like an image of dragons. Well, the point is, it was about deception. But, do snakes have the same deception in them? Why do we so readily judge? Oh, we stereotype so much. *sighs* :(
BTW, since this post is about cute animals, I just wanna say how CUUUUTTTEEEE this dog in the office is! It looked like a wolf, with the soft fur and color. I just love it! Hahaha! I'm gonna visit him (or her, since i still do not know yet, haha) frequently! Argh! Hahaha. I love that lil dogling. Aww. Haha. :)
It's not that I do not like literary works other than poetry. I enjoy reading and writing down my thoughts too in such a format other than poetry. But, I just find myself skipping down on entries of blogs that I do not own when I see long lines unless I really find them interesting and something that I can relate to -- that is how I judge what relevant as a word is. I want to find personal meaning in what I read and write. I want to enjoy it and be able to connect with it. That is why I oftentimes find myself lost and not able to enjoy the glories of fiction unless if it's discussed in a facilitated talk-like manner. Only then can I see its significance, thus, only then, too, am I able to connect with it.
An exception to those I am not fond of reading entries are those such that I personally and directly can relate to, or at least, paint out on my mind happening. Other people's opinions, if they do not connect nor relate to my world, are more difficult to read and be appreciated because I am compelled to comprehend an entirely different world. I find it very insignificant. I do not have that much patience in me right now.
Long essay-like and opinionated posts are often passed-through by my eyes as I really feel detest or abounding distaste for spending time absorbing them. I do not really enjoy debates and formulating ones. But, if an issue involves me in it and my thoughts, if it provokes my mind and stimulates me to react and air out my noble side, if I fail to evade it, that is the only time that I will respond to those kind of entries. Those are the exempted reads that I go on through. Like I said, I find it time-wasting to hunt for debate-hot reads. Debates only spark when they reach me, not me reaching them. I do not form them. They are only formed when they touch me.
Now, the reason why I like poetry more than long-written thoughts (essays and journal accounts of other people) is because their vividness and briefness captivates me. In a choice number of words is a whole new set of words that multiply itself into infinity. Poetry expands itself every millisecond -- or, in fact, immeasurable all the time it is written, appreciated, and touched. It's like the universe in characteristic -- no one can fathom its space.
Aside from that, I just really appreciate its simplicity in every way. The way it is written with lines in different simple but unique systems of order makes me feel like the knots on my head loosen up unlike long personally-written non-poetry entries. They don't give you a hard time putting yourself in it while you read them. They tell and bare it all right away like they easily connect and attach to your skin and your head-bulbs. But, the ease of riding them doesn't mean that they lack substance nor depth. Their immortal essence are only that powerful that they cling to your eyes, ears, and heart right away with that full, ripe content and meaning.
Aside from these reasons, I believe that there are more. To different people, different special thoughts and characteristics can be painted out, making it just more special to read and behold. Its different tastes are all equally wonderful, beautiful, and are worthy to be appreciated.
Up to now, I still haven't found my fondness for fictional literary works. However, I've promised myself recently to open up myself to such pieces of art. Someday, I hope, I'll be there. Time will tell the story. I will listen by then.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
So far, the best friendships that I ever had are with the ones, among others, I've worked with in unity, understanding, trust, and challenges. Others are the ones formed through nurtured communication and preservation of the relationship, even if it started out as being acquaintances. Unlike the ones formed through hanging out long hours doing nothing but idleness and waste of time, they last longer and are better ground for culturing and taking care of.
Pseudo-friendships always crack and are ever in need of patching up. And, why is that? I've experienced before how my friendship connections fail. But, there is always a need to repair them after the chaos. The problem is that it always goes the same way and it has become a cycle. In the end, I feel like I never had any real friend, and I go on soul-searching. It stresses me out. I hunger and plea for genuine friends and I feel that there are none. I feel like I'm a horse with eye-patches on the side of my view so that I can only see one direction.
From that, I've learned how to distinguish the different types and levels of relationships there are that I have with others, and how to, like with ground, culture them to help in forming them into genuine relationships.
We must start our relationship with others from the base. We cannot continue right away from the top. We must also know who those are that are really there, and who those are that we only illusion of in being there. If we choose the wrong pieces of wood and blocks of stones, it will fall down like an uno-stack-o that doesn't fit well. We mustn't commit the mistake of assuming those that aren't really meant to be friends or are already friends as real friends while they're not. We must lay down the foundations well first before it gets ready to stand tall, strong, and glorious. It cannot be made historical and monumental unless it's made in the right way.
So, today, let me ask a question. Do we make genuine friends in just an instant? By just hanging out with them (doing vanity), and presto, we're good friends? Are there shortcuts to friendship?
It's a matter of having the sense of control for life's partiality. Think of these words: we are all likely to die; it's just a matter of who holds the gun. There is equality, then. But, it is obtained through unpleasing means. Injustice is turned to justice in the eyes of a gunman. And, when that happens, that man's justice becomes injustice in the eyes of the law. In the end, life's unfairness becomes like a trap that nobody seems to be able to escape from...
Well, I guess that it just seems that way. If we could only see outside the box. If we could only have seen bigger, wider, broader, there could've been more solutions and means than just ending life.
Here's an entry about being in the eyes of a gunman:
You thought you're in control
Well, look at you now
Now, I hold your soul
And in your knees you bow
Who do you think are you
With all this vain luxury?
Today, I shall take you
Down to the grave with me
We are all equal
And all likely to die
Life ain't impartial
Heights fall, the low fly
And here for us today
Is a day of reckoning
Now the role I play
Of the gunman like a starling
This nice little trigger
Has been created for you and me
It's just that I'm luckier
So say goodbye, honey
Monday, October 6, 2008
It started yesterday, a Sunday, that I started to plan the things that I need to do with great need. I, miraculously, too, have started doing this time-management thing even if I really wasn’t fond of it. I just hate time-management (or it hates me) and I don’t really get how it works. But, however, yesterday was different. With things to do piled up for this week, I really had the need to accomplish tasks. Well, that’s for a start – a fuel for time management.
During the course of the day, with me listing down the things that I need to do on my organizer, I was able to follow through some of the things that I listed down. That is for the start of it. As expected, after being able to do some of the things (with a little compromise or acceptable adjustments in it), I over-did a task (on the list) a little. I overslept (for quite a number of minutes). Starting from that, there have been side-track errand requests from the external forces or the environment. To put it off, I wasn’t entirely able to follow the time-frame plan which I allotted to do my review for my Trigonometry quiz, and later, for my Business and Organizational Management quiz for that day’s tomorrow. It then became more and more difficult for me to keep up with my plan, struggling to find my way into starting what I need to do and finish for the “time-frames”. In simple words, I have been time-frame-bound, trapped, and stuck. Yes, I really felt stuck that there’s this one time that I totally got out of my ego-control which led me to hang out a while at the terrace to breathe in air and blow out suffocating air from within me.
After that, I just tried to accept that I simply cannot follow my plan. Part of that is due to my fault, and I admit that. Starting then, again, I was able to continue my reviews although it was already late. I do not want to forget mentioning that I was having a hard time to do that, yet I continued on.
The plans were done but with such costly exchanges. I was able to review one out of two subjects but I didn’t have a great time. I wasn’t able to do my best. I didn’t really grasp them the way I should be able to. It wasn’t that efficient, nor that effective too.
Today, a Monday, the day of doom because of my faults, (yes, I have myself to blame for, which quite honestly stresses me out, argh) I overslept again. I woke up two-hours before I actually got off my bed. And, as expected, I was groggy again. Like before times that I overdid my sleep, I felt like I lack energy. Maybe it was due to my body pain for days because of workout, but I guess it really has something to do with me not doing what I should do – waking up when my body told me to do so. With that in mind, I came to a thought that it probably is something about me. With that happening over and over again, there must be something wrong (or whatever) in me that I do not see that I should see. I thought that I might need to understand myself more. I began to feel that these things happening might only be pointing out something in me that I do not know of. I began to formulate the idea that I might be a hard-headed person. I saw disobedience and disinterest in those deeds of mine. However, seeing those things made me think of doing things next time with my whole heart in it all the time, that whenever there is a task, I should try my best to do it with sincere and earnest intent.
Also, as a result of my pseudo time-management, I’ve also learned a little something. I’ve learned how to set goals for the week which I believe is quite a something. I think that I’m gonna start off with mini week-long goal-setting to get me through. And, for this week, my goal is to correct all the flaws that I’ve committed for the past week. I guess that would be enough for a start since it’s still just a Monday. That just means that there’s still a lot more opportunities for success for the week.
Yes, I blew it, screwed up, crushed and burned, and have sunk low (that it hurts). However, there’s something more for me. I ripped off with the Trigonometry exam, maybe, but I believe in favour. Or, in more understandable terms, I believe in that which is in store for me. There is a God who loves me. Now, all I have to do is go on with the day with Him by my side and see all bliss there is wonderfully waiting for me.