Friday, November 27, 2009

As Close As This (Konna ni chikaku de)

This is my translation of the song "Konna ni chikaku de...". Can't stop listening to it. Sooo nice. ;)


"Konna ni chikaku de" (こんなに近くで) is the Sound Track of Nodame Cantabile (yes, I watched and liked it, hehehe). I think it was played towards the end of the story. It was sang by Crystal Kay. Nice!!!


As Close As This

My translation of "Konna ni chikaku de"


I realized that love was this hard

The night I got right next to you

Because I know you more

Than anyone else does


Your casual kindness to me

Makes my chest feel tight


As close as this, as close as this is how I look at you

Why is it, why is it that we are just mere friends?

No matter how, no matter how strongly I feel for you

They just don't come to you, you don't understand

I'm so in love with you


And the moment you asked me,

"Are you alright?"

With a yawn I hide the tears and say,

"Maybe I need more sleep?", is my excuse


And now I find that I always lie

To the most important person in my life


And everyday, everyday because of this aching heart

There is just so many, so many sleepless nights

So let's start, let's start to bring back how we first met that day

If we could turn back time, it would be much better that way

I'm so in love with you


For I know that if I told you "I LOVE YOU"

We might not smile anymore like the way we used to

But I can't stay as your friend like this any further

Nor force my smile to last much longer


Honestly, honestly I loved you all this time

I always have, always have loved you

And to you, to you I want to send my feelings

That I whisper towards the blue sky

I'm so in love with you

Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Glimpse Of Who I Am: Just A Reminder

"Keep your foot firmly planted forward, Matt", I tell myself tonight.

In one of my previous blogs, I've said something about how I was haunted by thoughts of being overwhelmed and overthrown by others, and the thought of not being able to bring out my best at things, especially where I used to excel at the most.

Tonight, things are much better, I feel.

Have I written anything in here about how I stop doing something I'm good at when people start flocking to do the same thing? Well, I might have not detailed on it before if I have. Let me do so, now.

I have been at a grave point of refraining from doing the things I'm good at when came high school. It's probably because of my foundation-shaking experience in transferring between schools during my elementary years, especially late elementary. As a result, I stepped into high school in an indisposed situation. Those years, too, were tempestuous years for my family as it was the down years when my dad lost his job as a senior geologist.

From there, I realize that the bolts that come to our life only zaps us up to ready us for a zoom.

On my first year in high school, at the first day, I was a late-comer because I was a late enrollee. Things weren't really certain that time when you ask me, so I don't know if I was really there in school, and if it's real enough. If it's indeed happening, it might very much be a rocky ride.

This explains why I wasn't the best person in high school; I admit that there were a lot of people who I pissed off back in high school, I used to play a prank on almost all of the professors, I used to do some petty lies about myself (that none really knew about actually) to cover up my insecurities (that, funny thing is, cried out loud actually), and some other minor nuisance I've framed. Right now, though, I just want to believe that they've all grown mature enough to understand me. It might just be me that's left who needs to believe in it.

But, opposed to what I subconsciously believed would happen, my high school days and years became gradually pleasant. There were still some struggles, but it's just now that I can see that I've survived and grown stronger in those years. I've adapted and had been resilient without me being fully aware of it.

My high school days saw how I started abandoning some of my strengths, talents, and gifts. For one, I used to believe that I was the best in the craft of drawing and related arts. When I entered high school, with raw talent in my pocket and probably some arrogance, I went on using my skill on the minimal. But, as the days and high school years went by, my passion and fondness for drawing and the arts started to slowly fade.

One reason I know why my attachment to the arts deteriorated is the thought of already being good in my skill combined with the thought of the "perfect time, perfect opportunity = perfect art". To put it more clearly, I have this internal rule that it's either I do my best and I be the best at my craft, or I shouldn't practice it at all. Also, because of the popularity of japanese "anime", a lot of kids my age began being delighted with the art of drawing. It pretty much became a bandwagon material, and I, being a non-conformist, had the only option of quitting.

Today, I've detected a pattern of my behaviour when it comes to something I do good at. When you kick in change, my steady pattern of excellence is shaken. That's when I start to behave in an erratic and unpredictable manner. But, it's not without me learning anything from my experiences. I have been trying to stress out a lot, as can even be seen in my previous posts, that I'm still trying to figure out my "own personal change". And, I guess, I'm doing great at it!

I can talk more about the details that led me to these realizations about change, but it will only prolong my labour.

So much for telling myself to flee from the mundane!

Just a while ago, while I was in deep reflection, I was telling myself that I will begin breaking away from the mundane. Specifically, I wanted to stop writing mundane stuff or fillers on my blog. It's been part of my struggle this last year since some major phase shift in my life. Now, it seems like I'm doing it again. Or not?

I guess that me writing about this particular entry, among others, just shows how different this is. From my personal inner feeling of contentment and actuality, I can tell that this is definitely not mundane. I cannot stress out any better, even in some of my previous blogs, outrightly said or not, that these words reflect who I am and who I am is a treasure worth preserving. These words are all over the place, actually!

I have a lot of fixing to do...

I have a lot of fixing to do tonight; and even tomorrow, I'll still have a lot to patch up about my life. From my desolate multiply site, even the ruinous Friendster, to even things that are better left unsaid or kept to myself.

The physical and the superficial reflect the shadows of the deep things anyway, don't they? I guess that this is just some sign that I am in need of picking up the pieces and mounds of litters that I have created behind me, those that I have tried forgetting. I'll have to face them all in the end and clean them up if not be consumed by them. But, the latter option wouldn't be fit for me to do. I was born to end up doing the right thing and not to end up falling, I believe.

Falling is just a part of the journey of learning. It happens until your eyes fully open.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What to really put on my blog?!?!

Up to now, I'm still a bit confused about what content to really write on my blog. I don't know whether to just put them on plurk, or just leave it in my head and to not write it at all so that it won't just be a filler. But, I guess right now I'm writing it here. It turns out that it's not much of a filler after all. It's me anyway. It's who I am. And, so, I am writing this down and documenting it.

Adieu! ;)

Arrogance and laziness... Or something new?

Sometimes, there comes a point that I feel like I "know it all", and that I have enough skill, intellect, and everything one needs to do something; just like in writing. I used to write a lot on my blog. Nowadays, however, I get a pretty hard time to even finish one decent, heartfelt post. It's because most of the time, I only just really try to produce a blog just for the sake of producing one, for the sake of making me feel like I'm "still" the writer that I used to be, and to make me feel like I am a man of skill, especially in writing. Downright, I can tell myself that I feel arrogant yet without any acts.

As far as I can remember, I began starting to lose my interest, or rather, my spontaneity in writing when I transferred to De La Salle University in Manila. I began to get busy in school-related stuff and my own preoccupations as I feel like I was finally on the path towards my ultimate man-made dreams. Those dreams, as I can describe it, are ambitious dreams that I have set for myself; ones that fill out my selfish desires, as human and as normal as they are. It's just that ever since, I've been grounded to the knowledge that man, specifically I, has a purpose to fulfill, and that if I blind myself too much of my own desires, I can't be able to fulfill my own purpose in life.

I also have a feeling of trying to "bring back" the past that I was. It's partly because I don't want to be upset anymore about my past frustrations. One particular past frustration is to continue being the best in what I excel at. In that I forget that man changes, even though the essence of his character may still remain. Maybe I'm just not really perceptive of what those changes are, and not as ready as I should be, and also not flexible enough to take in those realities.

Whenever I think of the things that I have been best at, I fall back to the thought of the reality that there is a better one. Just now, as I try to reminisce receiving awards and distinctions of excellence, the thought that there is somebody else better than me immediately kicks in preventing me from moving any further with my thoughts. This has always been a weak point of mine.

I always look to the past glories that I was able to receive, and then think of how frail I really am that I forget how I have worked hard to achieve them. My immediate action also would almost always be to turn my attention into something else more present and calming so that my heart can flee from the fears beginning to set inside me.

In the end, the result is I don't get to be the best in what I do, I spend too much time reflecting and taking time off to recover from my concealed fears, and I stay trapped in it. The progress is so sluggish and it takes almost like eternity just for me to really wake up and learn what it is to learn.

I want to fight this time. I need to wake up from the grave that I have dug for myself. There has been a thousand and an infinite more times that everything around me is trying to pinch me back to reality, but I have been numb from them. This time, I need to feel and begin feeling again.

Things might be different now -- I'll embrace that. I will just try to figure out the new course of things and take it into my system. But, I'll also try to learn how to be open to change. Somehow, though, I feel like this is something bigger than just the concept of change. That is what I want to find out.

Hello, change. Hello, newness! Hello, how things go around today. Hello to the yet unknown way of life.

Monday, September 28, 2009

ONDOY STRANDED FILES: BETTER FOOD IN CSB THAN DLSU

I've heard that you had better food daw there sa CSB (friend chicken, pork, etc.). Sa'men kasi, Corned Beef lang. :)) Anyway, the stranded people stayed 'til Sunday morning (around 7:00AM). Ako naman, I tried to cross the floods with my bare feet para makapag-LRT which was operational na at around 11:30AM. Dumeretso ako sa Ayala (LRT-MRT) then nakasakay ako ng free Aircon Bus pa-Alabang. Yay! :D

Anyway, DLSU turned into the ff. bodies of water:

Lake Lasalle-Amphi,
St. Joseph River,
Miguel River,
Northgate River,
Southgate River,
etc.

I wasn't able to travel around the other areas such as Gox, Velasco, atbp. so I don't know how to call them na. :)

Note: the adventure was fun! You get to cross bridges made of wooden benches and classroom chairs.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Menu of Someone with Braces.

As some of you might have known already, I had braces installed last Friday. I was expecting pain during the first two or three days, but I must say that it's entirely different once you experience the pain that the dentists warn you about.

The pain doesn't really bite unless you create an impact by accidentally hitting your upper and lower teeth together. Or when you try to bite, there's a sore feeling of pressure in your teeth. Or, when you sleep, you feel like your jaw freezes and your teeth is in pain if there is even the slightest movement. Plus, you'll have a feeling of biting, which in turn hurts you all the more.

Anyway, I went to the supermarket this late afternoon to buy me some food since I haven't been able to take in some real deal of food because of the braces. I was getting hungry too that's why I decided I'd go to the mall/supermarket. But, before that, I asked my mom who's bed-ridden for being sick if she has anything to ask me to buy since I was going to the supermarket anyway. It'll all be in just one go if there's any. She asked me to buy fruits, specifically, grapes and a fourth slice of watermelon.

So, there I went to the mall. I first stopped by at Jollibee and bought me what they call a "Creamy Macaroni Soup". It is, from trying to look for something I can eat from the other restaurants/fastfoods, what I think I can take in this 3rd day of having braces.

I proceeded to the mall and met my 2nd eldest brother with his peers. It was great because I didn't know how to pick the best of fruits in a market or a supermarket, so I asked the older ladies who was with him to help me (since my bro doesn't know anything about it either).

Anyway, my trip inside the supermarket was really nice. I actually got more than I planned to buy. So, here's a list of what would be my menu for tonight, and my snacks for my first day of classes for the second term tomorrow:

  1. Strawberry Yogurt
  2. Noodles (Lucky Me, haha, I just missed the taste, and it just seems that I can handle eating it!)
  3. Some Polvoron (which a nice lady induced me into buying because of a free taste)
  4. And, a jar of Stick-O's (which Barvi, AKA Barbara Goduco, advised me to have while in braces)

What made the grocery adventure fun is that I didn't bring with me any cash (except the 150 Pesos my mom handed me which I used to pay for the soup I had earlier, and which I forgot I had afterwards during grocery). But, it was a smart thing because my mom told me to use my BDO ATM Debit Card which I really liked. At first, I even thought that it was a bad idea, and I was unsure because I was thinking that you'd need two (2) valid IDs to use it. But then, it worked very smoothly which caused my enjoyment. Yay! :D

Okay. The only thing I regret about my grocery session today (can I really consider it as grocery since I only bought a number of things? Haha) is that I think I didn't do well when I bought the Polvoron, which I think tasted really good. It's because my sister told me that Neomi (did I get it right?) was selling Polvorons for only 60 pesos for 24 pieces, against the one I bought for 100+ pesos for 18 pieces. SAAAD!!! Okay, yeah, sad. But, I'll get over it. Hah, hah, hah!!!

Well, overall, I feel great today. Not only did I receive a great spiritual in-filling from the house of God (church, Sunday), but I also had a great day surrounded with all the blessings you can think of. Plus, I'm excited for school tomorrow, which is another just such a great blessing that God has given me.

See y'all! ;)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Stubborn Tooth (part 1)

For my whole braces or orthodontic plan, I need four of my teeth extracted to allow space for my teeth to spread nicely. Last Sunday, August 30, 2009, I had my first ever tooth extraction (I was supposed to have two extracted in one session, but only had one because of the extreme difficulty in plucking it out -- will be detailed later).

So, I went to the dentist to have two of my teeth extracted in one session. I had a total of four that needs extraction, one from each corner of my set of teeth, and it was best practice to extract two at a time, and the next two three days after the first one. Finally, the day has come that my mom finally had the time to escort me to the dentist to proceed with the pre-orthodontic procedures to give way for me having braces. We arrived pretty early at the clinic at some time before 3PM; pretty early because we usually arrive late in the afternoon.

Before the procedure, my mom asked me if she could leave me during the surgery. It was fine with me because I'm a grown up man already. But I told her that I'll just probably send her a text message if there is something she needs to know.

The surgery was finally able to start at about 3:30PM. I was asked which side I prefer to have extracted first: the left or the right; she clarified by telling me that I should leave the side where I'm comfortable eating. I chose the right first to be extracted. Then the dentist started the whole extraction process at the right side, with the lower tooth first.

On average, tooth extraction takes about 2 hours at most, especially with impacted wisdom tooth. That is the track record of the dentist who was handling my operation. Wisdom tooth extraction, especially impacted ones, are difficult procedures, but, in the case of the dentist, it only takes about 2 hours. But, what everyone failed to see before hand was that I was about to make a dental history with them for later taking more than 4 hours in the procedure.

Now, the difficult labor all began. The surgery finally commenced. The area surrounding the area of operation was first numbed with anesthesia with probably less than 4 shots. I didn't feel a lot, but I knew that the 'elevation' started. After 'elevating' my tooth, they then started plucking out my tooth with a tool. There began the extreme pain the surgery had for me; and even all the doctors who were there.

I was feeling great pain when the dentist was forcefully pulling my tooth out; I felt like my whole jaw was about to tear. Later after the surgery, the doctor who mainly handled my operation had her whole right arm numbed because of the force she exerted.

The dentist then tried to pause the operation and began explaining to me how difficult my tooth extraction was. She was also explaining how it only took her 2 hours at most to remove impacted wisdom tooth, and that mine was really difficult to remove. She showed me some x-ray visuals and explained how it contributed to the difficulty of the procedure in my case.

When they proceeded with surgery, did some more elevation, which contributed only very little to the ease of extraction, they gave up again. They described that the tooth wasn't moving at all when being plucked. It just stayed in place no matter how much force they apply in pulling it out. During some more 'elevation', however, the tooth was 'slightly moving', they describe. But whenever they try pulling it off, there is great pain as if my jaw is going to tear as it goes with the tooth they're trying to pull out; the tooth remains intact with little to no movement at all despite the forceful pulling efforts.

They asked me to rest again, this time my mouth was engorged in more blood than earlier due to more and more 'digging'. It was the time that my mom got back, and I also tried to shed a little amount of tears. In my mind, I was just really relieved that my mom was finally there, which gives me a lot of comfort. I didn't expect that the procedure was going to be that excruciating, neither did the dentists know it was going to be that difficult, and it just helped that somebody dear to me knew of my case.

The dentists began to gather together at the station where I was to help the one in charge of my operation. They all tried to help and swapped positions trying to extract my tooth. But, they all just couldn't do anything.

They finally made contact with their senior dentist, the one who owned the clinic, and reported my case. What I heard was that they were to try removing some of my bones to loosen up the grip on my tooth. It's only done when the tooth is impacted, too difficult to extract, and the likes. It sounded like an extreme effort, but there was no other choice. They explained to me that it couldn't be left like that because it'll only swell, and that the only way to finish is to get the tooth extracted.

I wasn't able to track the time at that time. I just told myself that it should go on. But inside me, I had something else in mind. I remember the dreams I had before that I had a lot of times. The dream was that my teeth were all falling so feebly like they're overripe fruits falling from the tree. I had the dream several times already and it felt like it was almost real. I finally understood that dream because of the operation, that in reality I had stubborn teeth that were really hard to pluck out.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

My own list of Epic PC Games!

Ever since I was young, I was a PC game adorer. I've pretty much grown up in front of the computer -- from watching other computer users (older bros), to hands-on in school, paying to play at computer stations (including consoles), and to owning my own game console. I've grown to have quite some good computer skills by really hanging out a lot by (or beside the presence of) the computer.

It's gonna be all about games from hereon, I tell you. So, start bracing yourself!

Games I don't like much

I've also had my share of favourite computer games, and those that I've detested. But, I think it'd be better to list down first those that I didn't like much.

I wasn't into racing games. Most of my older bros (and even my youngest bro) are fond of racing games. I'm not. I just wasn't into them because they're repetitive: only road, checkpoints, chasing after time, and winning (or losing).

Then, I wasn't into basketball or other sports games. I barely know about basketball. My only memory of playing basketball during my childhood days was when I was still 9 years old, in 3rd grade elementary for PE classes. After a few nights practicing shooting balls at the local court, failing, and getting frustrated, I decided that basketball wasn't for me. I've always been like that whenever I feel like I'm not doing good on something -- I quit right away. I tell myself that it just might not be for me, and I don't have any resources to do good on it anyway.

I also wasn't into Diablo games that, back then, was REALLY popular. My older bros pretty much liked it, and I almost always used to watch them (in horror, I was young). One great reason why I didn't like playing it is because, being a little kid, it was a really scary game. You get to fight animated skeletons, devilish fiends, goblins, all in dark tombs, mausoleums, crypts. It was all just so scary -- to have living hell just at your backyard?! Plus, the scariest thing about it was the SOUND EFFECTS that make it all really scary. I can still recall the sensation of fear I used to have back then, classic, and still making me shiver. Hehe.

Games I liked before, but not so much (or at all) anymore

I think my list of games that I didn't like ends here. Let me mention now those games that I used to like before, but do not anymore today.

At 5th grade or so, I got really addicted to strategy games, particularly Red Alert, Dune 2000, and the likes. I liked Age of Empire too, and it's really epic. But I think I shouldn't talk about it as early as now. I'll save it for later. Going back, I think I spent thousands of bucks which I took from my allowances just to get to play Red Alert non-stop on computer shops (or cafes). Back then, we had time-limits to computers (and computer games). We usually only had 30 minutes. It was some funny but great way of discipline. I miss it actually. Now, however, whenever I hear of Red Alert, I think I'm gonna puke because I'm so full of it. The reason is I think I've finished every bit of expansion of it (Yuri's revenge, etc.). I got so addicted that I got way past my limits, that in the end, there was no excitement left to hang on to.

Games that I liked a great deal, still do, but probably won't get a chance to play anymore

Well, most of the games that I really liked playing, and probably won't get to play anymore, are Playstation (PS) games and those from other game consoles like Dreamcast, Game Cube, XBOX, and other later versions of the consoles.

One of my top favourites from Playstation is Tenchu. I love everything Tenchu, but I liked best Tenchu II for the storyline. It's just so sad that I wasn't able to finish it before. I probably won't ever anymore. I only used to play it at a neighbor's or friend's house -- at Osmond's. Haha. We almost always used to argue, if not for pleasing him by returning some other favour. Haha.

I've grown to love A LOT OF DREAMCAST GAMES. The reason is because it is the only game console I got to own. It was supposed to be a Playstation. I actually was disappointed but later I loved it. Getting one paid off.

One of the best Dreamcast game I've loved (and still actually love and adore) is Shenmue. I finished the first game, but wasn't able to finish the second. Too bad, I really wanted to know what happened to the main character during the 2nd part. I was cut when he was about to arrive at Kowloon City in China. The CD I had was broken and it really left me hanging and broken.

Another beloved Dreamcast game is Phantasy Star (Online). I wasn't able to finish it myself because by that time the Dreamcast got broken. I've also known that there were later releases of the game in Game Cube that had much better graphics. And I'm just in awe. I actually saw the commercial in some Computer Gaming show on TV. But I never had a Game Cube.

I also loved Power Stone, probably the best Dreamcast multiplayer game, the ROCKIN' SPAWN multiplayer game! Quake III Arena, Toy Soldiers, and Outtrigger! Those probably are the best mutliplayer games, but here comes the best of them all: Dead or Alive 2! Hahaha! It had beautiful graphics (and bouncy girls), cool storylines, and awesome moves! I just can play it all over again! Oh, I liked Soul Calibur too, but the controls were a bit complicated. It's still nice cos of the graphics and character details!

My own list of Epic PC Games

I guess this is the moment of truth, the climax, the finale, and the most awaited part: the epic ones! Well, I've nominated them as the best, the classic, and the most epic games I've known and played. They are the following:

Heroes of Might and Magic II

The first time I've played (and actually discovered) Heroes II was from a Demo CD included in a PC Gaming Magazine that my older bros bought. My first try was really confusing. I didn't understand the gameplay back then as I was still too young. I always lost to the computer (cos it was really difficult, really). Then, after a few months or a year, I tried it again, and me and my bros liked it. That was maybe before 2000s, or the early 2000s. Then, just within a few years ago, I tried looking for the game again, this time the full version. Even though it was sooo classic and cartoony, it was GREAT. Real CLASSIC and EPIC. I finished it til the end. I then went on playing the sequels, up to the 5th! I even bought an original complete with expansions DVD of the 5th installment of the game just this year (3rd term of 2008-2009)!

Age of Empires

I'll always love Age of Empire. It is the King of strategy games for me. I'll always love the different history lessons I've learned from it (hahaha), the funny sounds and noises, and the different tribes. It's just really fun to play.

Serf City

Before, (before the 2000s) I've played a game called Serf City. It was great. We all loved it. You build a castle, a platoon of armed forces, and flourish. Well it was a classic game too. And real epic! It's one of the best strategy games too, not even in 3D! Today, I've played the latest version of the game which is Settlers. It's in great 3D now, and Ubisoft did great on the graphics. Only those who were able to play the initial versions of the game will appreciate the new ones!

Lords of Magic

This game was released at about 1999. I'm just not so sure about it. Back then I didn't understand how it's played although it was cool with all the races, elements, and characters to be recruited. It was another strategy, myth, magical game. Within a few years ago, I looked for the game and played it. I really love it. It stays classic and epic.

Last but not the least, since I'm getting tired of writing (it's past midnight already), I'm revealing my latest addition to my own list of epic PC games!

Nox

This games was released on early 2000s. I just liked it. I'm still gonna download the game... and will play it soon! Hahaha!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Back in action!

I was out of action... but I guess my commitment remains to my journal like an invisible cord that links it to my heart.

Well, I guess I was just passing by my journal. Signing off for now, but signing back again soon! :)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sharp Dreams, Vivid Visions

As mentioned earlier, I'm setting up a blog about my spiritual visions and dreams. And so, here's the link:

http://sharpdreamsvividvisions.blogspot.com/

Just an update!

Good night!

Work life learning experiences

I'm gonna write some of the things I've learned about work life in this blog soon. Just not now because it's getting late. Just for the record!

A talk with Ate Gina: My call to write down my dreams and visions

I had a talk with Ate Gina last Friday, August 14. She was supposed to ask me to fix her laptop's internet connection. She invited me to eat first since I haven't had dinner yet, and we went to some deep spiritual talk and fellowship. We talked about how God's spiritual gifts should be exercised, especially since we are His vessels here on earth.

1st Message

She shared some of the things she received as a message for me. She told me that if I keep a journal, I should write down the visions and dreams that the Lord has given me. She couldn't remember the exact verse in Ezekiel but one was about God's command to Ezekiel to write down those that He has showed him.

It was just so right on the spot because Ate Gina did not know that I have created a journal before to write down the dreams that God has given me. Sadly, it lied in ruins so I decided to delete it weeks ago. A few days before we got that talk, when I logged in to my blogger account, I noticed that my blog can be "un-deleted". It was such a perfect coincidence. A sign for me to go on with what I'm doing. A go signal. Ate Gina also doesn't know that I'm a journal-keeper or a blog-writer.

In Ezekiel 40-42, the Lord showed Ezekiel the details of the temple including the laws of the temple. Portions of Ezekiel 43:10-11 says,

10 "Son of man, describe the temple to the people of Israel... 11 ...make known to them the design of the temple—its arrangement, its exits and entrances—its whole design and all its regulations and laws. Write these down before them so that they may be faithful to its design and follow all its regulations.

2nd Message

Another message that she received for me was that the Lord was giving me a "jump-start" in visions, that he'll give me visions in full-color and complete clarity. That was the impression she had. She told me how Pastor-Prophet Kuya Gerry Misajon started out having small visions, to little images, to black and white, to something wider and clearer today. She said that I'll have it in full image right away.

I told her about the first time I had a vision that it felt very real and it was very clear and vivid. She blurted out the word "vivid". It was exactly the word I had in my heart when I visualize that fresh vision that I had for the first time.

This is sealed in Jesus' Name. Amen.

My Spiritual Visions & Dreams Blog

I am supposed to write about my spiritual visions and dreams. I actually am planning to put up a specialized blog about it, but up to now, I still haven't. Well, right now I will. It starts immediately after I post this one. :)

I'll link that blog to this one soon.

Baptism of 'Matt From Here On Out'

Well, since this is the first ever blog post I've done, I've thought of making it special in such a way that it'll be remembered as "the first one". So, I hereby baptize this blog as titled "Matt From Here On Out". It is so-called because, first, my name is Matt. Second, I've created it to write about the matters of my life from this day forward.

So, fellas (if there is actually any), here is 'Matt From Here On Out'!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sometimes, You Just Have to Try to Let Go

I'm supposed to be talking about something else like how I'm irritated with Mac's Yahoo! Messenger's lack of a Group Messaging feature, or if it's just my ignorance. Or, I'm supposed to pen into poetry a wonderful thought that sparked in my head. But instead of doing those things that I "should have" done, I ended up writing my two previous blogs. What's happening?

But, maybe sometimes you just have to try to really let things go, even if they seem really good to do. Those feel-gooders can be the reason for you to be stressed. It can also not be good on you.

This moment makes me remember the times when I was writing for my personal blogs, that usually my dad asks me what I'm doing on the computer. It's because I usually write during late hours. I also remember how I couldn't answer directly that "I'm writing to my blogs" because of the feeling of it being a 'personal' matter to not talk about or detail on it. Now I feel like I understand why he asks me like that. He's just helping me from being too compulsive and too attached at something.

Should I have insisted on continuing to write down the thought that I had into poetry, I'd have been more compulsive. Or, if I kept on going with being pissed off at Mac's Yahoo! Messenger not having the Group Message feature, I'll be keeping on looking for the solution on the net if there really is such a feature and stay up all night, or be frustrated for proving myself right that it actually doesn't have that feat.

I should learn how to control my urges and my desires. Not all things that seem wonderful to me should be done right away, and in some instances, not done at all. Right now, I can only wish that I can be able to stick up to the words that I am saying. Because I feel that I still haven't done so.

Monday, August 3, 2009

How the Atmosphere Affects Us

Atmosphere, environment, and situations really affect the way you think and how you do the things that you love doing. That is what I've observed tonight.

I've been really pressured to put up something new on my personal blog recently. I just can't seem to "squeeze" out any fresh idea or something really original and not scripted. Scripted in such a way that I'm not just writing for the blogs to make me feel okay because there's a new post. It'll only be for the short term, if I do that. Because, posts that do not have a real connection with me are just like fillers. Like fake smiles that do not last. Like add-ons that you immediately forget after buying.

I've been through an upstair-downstair robot craze tonight and it really stresses me out. Technically, because I've just been through an accident and I've broken three of my left foot's weight-bearing bones. It's still not easy for me to go up and downstairs. I can only think to myself that they feel the way I feel being "pushed" around for some insensitive unimportant orders. It was really driving me to the brim of my humanly limits.

I went upstairs, after going through a stressful upstair-downstair errand mania, and some silent, serious thinking about a lot of things. I do think a lot -- I actually tend to think deviously -- when I feel really stressed out. Well now, I'm lucky enough to have a moment of peace and reflection. In fact, really fortunate to have the chance to bypass my fears of doing something and needing to do it out of fear. I'm talking about being able to express myself right now genuinely.

Things are much different now than it was maybe an hour ago or a few more. It's been long since I've stayed where I am right now -- alone in my converted-room-slash-bed, and silently & peacefully conversing with myself in a preserving way. I'm using the word 'preserve' because that is the way I treat The Day Writer. I treat it as a memorial of who I am throughout my ages.

I can only compare how the world I was in a few hours ago is a lot different than the isolated, protected incubator that I am in now. From there, I think I have decoded the reason behind my painful separation and break from being with my space, these sheets of intangible paper that I'm writing on.

Proof that I'm Really Feeling Compulsive Tonight

Tonight, I'm feeling compulsive. I've been feeling really stressed out too. Argh! Work responsibilities (yeah, I still haven't "officially" withdrawn from my work -- not 'til Friday), ERRANDS (yeah, in big LETTERS cos they're not just your simple run-to-the-nearest-store-and-get-me-this-and-that errands, but HEAD-PULSATING ones!!!), social pressure (well, it includes some family-related thoughts that I have -- some normal phenomena, don't worry), and some that I might even have forgotten to mention. BUT, (yeah, but), I'm glad that right now, I'm in front of the keyboards (and of course, the screen) tapping into words, words that at the very least soothe me, give me rest, and help me "breathe" again.

I've been wanting to write something new. It's sort of a compulsion (just proves how compulsive I'm being today) for me to think that I NEED to blog. It's because I feel like I've paused too long and have not done a lot of blogs, that I NEED to do something about it, and that I NEED to put something on my personal blog (something written, of course). And, the feeling of me compulsed to do it makes me feel like it's something unreal and not genuine, that if I do write something, I'm gonna ruin the honesty of my blog, the genuineness, and the heart that I've sown in it.

If you look at it as a whole, I'm sort of cornered by two really pressing sides:

1. Me writing blogs to salvage my forgotten and desolate blogs... but risk its integrity because I'm only doing it for the sake of "putting something in it"...

or

2. "Wait" for the magical "spark" or the "magical moment" that some heavenly inspiration befall me, and I enchantingly write something wonderful, true, me, honest, and blog-worthy. Yet, that "waiting" remains the same -- still an act of waiting. And, in the end, nothing happens. The blogs are still empty. They are left there with flies hovering over them. They have no freshness in them. That Time has passed them by, and the wonderful changes that has happened in the real world and my life has had them left behind.

It's saddening. I feel so emotional and sentimental to think of it right now. Enough to jerk a tear out of my eyes and unto my cheeks. Well, I'm making it more dramatic than it actually is. But, that's how it really is when you write -- you squeeze out the emotions inside of you. The creativity that can be extracted from the world around you. The neon colors that surround you. Isn't that right? It just adds up to the beauty of the world that's bigger and more unimaginable than what we step and breathe on.

Well, at least now I can say that I'm finally able to get through compulsion, and let them all out. It must be just a result of all the stresses that caused me to inhibit some of the things in me, even without me knowing it. Is that even possible? Well, I guess it is.

By the way. I've entitled this blog as the "proof that I'm really feeling compulsive tonight". You might ask why it is so because you might not see anything so compulsive anywhere this blog post aside from me talking about compulsiveness. Or, maybe not... Hahaha! (laughs) Actually, I really do. I'm supposed to be sleeping tonight, but I just can't because I don't feel like sleeping. Somehow, me worrying about the blogs just keeps me from sleeping right. That's also why I'm here right now and writing this. Oh COMPULSION. Compulsion indeed!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Suicide Decisions

I'm not an economist, but I'll talk somewhat economics right now. What I have in mind as for the moment is how some "big" decisions can greatly affect an entity. How it can fulfill all the original planned benefits, or how it can bring about unseen destruction.

For one, Crocs, a great brand in the world of flip-flops, offers an "indestructible" pair of slippers. Once you buy a pair, you'll probably never need any replacement, unless you lose them maybe. They have a good history and story of a booming success. Today, however, they're stuck in a very messy situation that calls itself "doom".

Because Crocs gained worldwide popularity due to its success in the U.S., they decided to expand their operations, creating lots of factories in Asia, particularly in China as I remember. More factories led to an increase in production. This plan sounded really fine for their growth. They started just this mid-2000, and there's still more to come and add to their beginnings.

Last year 2008, however, saw a very unexpected turn in the history of the world. A great downfall met the economy of America. The economic crisis did not affect just one nation, but it affected the globe. The scars of this meltdown can still be seen up to this year. This is also the reason why Crocs is, as economic experts say, already over though still existing.

There are decisions that even the greatest labels make only to lead them to the pit. A small turn can lead to a great tumble. It makes me wonder if it's luck that dictates the fortunes of companies in particular.

There are some companies that do not offer the greatest quality of product, yet they succeed. Some offer the best, but commit suicide with their decisions. Though I'd like to think that this is not the destiny of all that do good, I just can't help but notice how it happens. Quality should always be mixed with meeting the needs and the eye of the people. A good product is nonsense if it doesn't sell. Or does it?

For now, I can only wish that things (some particular ones) were as they were before. I can't enjoy my Multiply.com account anymore because of the new design. It got complicated. I can only join the bandwagon of people complaining about the new design, although I liked it before. It's because I can only notice how my usage has dropped ever since the new design and functions.

Just a thought to ponder on.

I'm Ending My First Ever Job

I'm supposed to write about quitting my first job, but I think my thoughts have expired. I've thought about it maybe two hours ago, and the idea just does not seem as fresh anymore. Plus, the thought of the night clock ticking, and the time getting more and more late approaching morning is eating me up. Oh, there's pressure pushing me "not to write" about what I originally was thinking to write.

Well I guess talking about all the hindrances in doing what I wanted to do helped. It's sort of me putting away and facing my problems. Now, I think, I can finally start talking about my experience in ending my first job.

Last June 2009 was the start of my first ever job. My work is simple: I write about at least 5 celebrity blogs containing the latest news about specific celebrities, and maintain them. Ideally, I should work 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a cap of 10-hours a week. It means I cannot exceed working for more than 10-hours and get paid for it. Extra work done won't get you any credit except in extremely special cases.

My first shot at this job was fine. The rate was also okay: about a dollar and half per hour. Not bad, to think that the rate for amateur freelance tutors, one of my college dream-jobs, is around that rate too.

When I started writing my first contents, I was still trying to get a feel of what I was doing. It wasn't smooth, but after doing some work, I started doing great, at least according to how I see it. Now, I can only be thankful for having the experience of having a job, working for it, and "what's actually in a job". You'll get to know work ethic, responsibility, commitment, quality of work, and relationships. I'm lucky I've gained those things in my first job.

Things are good, but they aren't perfect though. It is so as I am about to end my first job. It's not the easiest experience to end a job. I don't know for others, but this is my case. I think I'm having a hard time with letting go. It sort of gives me a scary or fearful feeling that I'm gonna be worthless, or I'll hurt the boss whom I'll leave, or that I'm responsible for the loss of the job that I'm to leave. I'm THAT compensating.

Tonight, however, when I've thought of it, I think I'm done. I'm not talking about the job alone. I'm talking about all those stuff in my mind that hold me back and paralyze me. People come and go. Flowers flourish, and dry up. Stars get fame, and become forgotten. What's the difference? The important thing to learn, however, is to not hold-on too tightly to what the moment offers, because moments fly. Appreciate them when they're there, but learn how to move on, whenever appropriate, and embrace change.

In ending my first job, I feel like a needle's been removed from my body. Like the Filipino saying goes, I feel like "nabunutan ako ng tinik sa lalamunan". I now understand what that phrase really means. Hahaha! Finally, I'm free of the responsibility of "earning". I'm a free man again. I feel like a child again. I'm new, as ever and always. I'm in bliss!

Finally, I can sleep!

I'm More of A Reader Than A Writer for Now

I've found some content that I find appealing and interesting. I think I'll be a reader now than a writer. I like what I'm seeing. I'm not putting an end to writing, though. I'm only waiting for a rebirth. I want to be like a sponge and absorb everything I can, grow in it, and burst in full bloom when all these happen.

My current reading interests are:

- Travels
- Classic stories and art designs
- Nature

It's good that I'm into reading now. I'm not much of a reader before. During my childhood days, I was into art, drawing, cartoons, anime, and computer games. On my teenage years, I was solely into music, less drawings, more of writing comic books and fancy news items, jokes, but never reading. Then come college, I moved on to writing my own reflections, poetry, and other content. Now, having left being a teenager and into the 20's, I guess I've finally come to a point of appreciating the work of others. I've become more humble, humble enough to give credit to others than myself.

I've learned this one thing today when I've read the work of others: you can never flourish by yourself. It is diversity and harmony that gives way to newness, innovation, and new birth.

Blog-Babying

You know what, I've had quite a long break from writing personal blogs. I'm trying to find out the reason why, but tonight, I can only go down on pointing one reason. Just to clarify, though, I'm not saying that it's the only reason. I believe that there are a lot more reasons behind me not writing, and losing the "feel" or the "urge" to write any more passionate than I do before.

The first reason I tried blogging out was when it was still probably the year 2007, February, when I was really wondering what blogs are. Sure, I have an idea of what it is, but being a skeptical person, I puke out what I know, do not believe them, and only really grasp what they mean when I get a first-hand relevant experience of them.

I was also starting to collect and compose short text-message verses, and quotes. Some of those, I've turned into nice short poems. That's when I officially started writing poems, and really delved into poetry. It was a nice start.

February 2007 also marked the start of us having our first-ever decent DSL connection. That was a time when Broadband internet connection started making its way into Philippine mainstream, beginning to eradicate dial-up connections. It was really timely as I've just created my first-ever blog while in school, a few days ago before the official internet connection is set-up.

At my first shot at writing the blogs, my main activity revolved around transferring compositions (poetry, quotes, sayings, thoughts) that I've saved in my mobile phone. Back then, it was my handy and ever-present "diary", whenever the computer and the keyboards to write with were not available.

Things got better and my writing "skills", if there is such a thing, improved. I moved forward to writing directly to the blogs. I composed poems right on the spot, mainly focusing on the idea of love for the initial blog posts. Some, about fear, about principles, about youth, life, and other relevant things to me back then (very teenage-like).

Today, I'm suffering from "loss-of-fresh-content" syndrome. Hahaha. I can't even write anything new to my blogs. I feel like it's a commitment that I do not know of anymore. It's like a lost love, or a too familiar part of you that it doesn't matter anymore whether it's there or not, in a good or bad situation.

Two years after creating a blog, I've created this particular online fancy journal account called "plurk". It's some sort of short-journal writing site that allows your friends to view your "status" or read the thoughts that you wrote for them to see. It's fun to use and quite different because your thoughts are shared on the mainstream. At some point, though really short, I think I've become addicted to it.

The main difference between "plurk" and blogging is that blogging is more personal. It's more introspective and reflective. It's more "permanent". Plurking or "plurks" can be tracked back all the way from the start, but it's not really meant for that. It's something like thing of the moment, and it's made for that. It's basically an "update" material.

I love the personal touch of blogs. Though right now, I can't fully appreciate it yet, I believe that my attachment to it, although none is really required by anything or anyone, will be for the long-term, say eternal.

Blogs should be "babied". They should be given extreme personal care. They should be trusted, watched-over carefully, and committed time to. Without those things, they're without life. I hope to baby my blog. I hope to revive my connection to it. To do that, I have to find my reason, and the hidden exceptional purpose in it. Maybe then, I'll have known what to do, and how to do it.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Does Love and Fear Mix?

Does love and fear mix? That is the biggest question on my mind tonight. Although, I have a strong feeling that I have the correct answers in my pocket, I still cared to search on for answers to my heart's cry.

Oftentimes, I think of other people committing mistakes. I am the type of person who thinks that we all are vulnerable to temptation, committing mistakes, and hurting (and being hurt with that). I only think that there is a little exception to these flaws.

There is an infinite amount of dangers in the world, I admit I believe. For the world for me is like a tamed jungle who, when your eyes have blinked too long, will bite. It is not the first time that I have experienced worrying about something miserable to happen. Tonight's not one to escape from it. But, tonight, I want to end it.

Tonight, quite strangely, I had this wish that there be a Bible search engine. If there's one, oh what joy and truth there is at the reach of my fingertips. Well, what I did in an attempt to extinguish the shout of fear trying to subdue me is, I looked over on Google with the phrase "does love and fear mix?".

I strongly believe in love and it's power to patch brokenness and strife. I have seen it work in my life and in others close to me. I see it everywhere I look; in the television, in the lives of people around me, in strangers, in my mistakes.

Finally tonight, fortunately, I have indeed found the most credible answer to my question. Does love and fear mix? No. If there is fear, love isn't working fully in you. The mending power of love can't be in full work. What I had to do for love to work is to let go of my fear, and let love.

I am the type of person who doesn't easily believe in something requiring me to yield my principles. I require the sturdiest credibility from everything that requires me to believe when it comes to delicate beliefs in my life like love, faith, and some other values and moral upholding. Despite my lofty standards about my belief, I am lucky enough to have found the most believable answer that I can ever have. I'll share it below:

1 John 4:18 (New King James Version)

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Words Like Swords

Words Like Swords

If each and every word
Was a great sharp sword
I wish mine were steel
Wielded with great skill

If when truth be told
I wish you could behold
What my heart can feel
My mouth be witness to what's real

If with thoughts I hold
I can be really bold
May my tongue inside me kill
And not instead be still

If gone the days of old
And my hours have been fully mold
May I not for my words kneel
Pray to turn back the wheel

Words are really important. They are the different threads and needles of communication. They aren't just needles when they meet their destinations. They are swords.

Words aren't confined in those that are spoken by the mouth, nor those written. Even the words of our body's movements speak words. Even silence means words.

Communication is a very powerful tool. It can make or break. It can be used to defend, or destroy.

Picking up the thoughts from "words as sharp swords", I came up with these simple verses. The thought is really simple indeed -- just expressing the boldness of words.

On this writing, I focused more on the honesty, plainness, and straightforwardness of words as they go.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

You Want To Write

This is now the time when you want to write that bad... yet you no longer can cos your eyes are dropping real low. This is just how I say good night and good bye for now.

I'll continue writing tomorrow. Peace and sleep well, Matt!!! >:D

The Delight Of Seeing Your Posts Beautify Your Blog

How delightful it is to see my posts beautify my blog.

The most beautiful thing that posts do is to reflect who you are and your thoughts. That's the most special thing. You see yourself clearer.

I'm Fixing My ORIGINAL Mail!!! :D

Yeah, I heard myself right. Oh, read.

I had come up with this particular e-mail address before, and I believe that I should pay homage to it. It is one of the most original and solid e-mail addresses that I've ever created. I don't think that there'll ever be another else like it.

I've left it in ruins (like my blog, sadly) before... ever since I've used it to subscribe to different social networking sites... and other newsletters. It especially became more desolate when I created a new e-mail address (for professional use).

Just this night, as I have checked it for after quite long, I saw how ruinous it was. I now have some lots of cleaning to do. Let it wait for me to do it, and it'll be better than it was before.

All About Being Left-Handed

Well, I believe that there are certain practices that my left part of the body is more dominant than the right. For one, I prefer to talk over the phone using my left ear. I prefer focusing my eye on objects using my left eye. In both cases, it's clearer.

I've found an interesting website when I searched the net on something about my grammar usage while I was thinking of a title for one of my blogs... then one of the 'google' results came out with an interesting link about left-handedness.

Here's the link, as I might blog more about this some other time:

Just When You Think...

Just when I've thought that I had no real friends around me... Just when I've thought that I'm alone... Just when I feared being alone for longer... And just when I thought that I'm gonna be like this -- by myself all along...

I was wronged. And, there appeared friends whom I never thought would be there.

Thanks... :)

The Day That I Let You Be

It was a disaster. I shouldn't have left you for fame nor attention. I shouldn't have loved the many but short glimpse of liking. It was killing you.

I had left you in ruins. I thought that you'd live on your own. I tried to rest on fleeting pleasures and moments of heights but it did me no good. Now, I can only conclude that you are my home, my one and only true refuge... and my soul.

I have returned and I will be by your side, now that I have known who I am. Now that I have known what you are to me. Especially now that I've known the connection between the two of us -- that cord that ties our soul and brings life.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Sting

This night is pretty unusual
Though it happens all the time
My thoughts wander endlessly
Feels like chasing something but nothing

Sights again I see
They make known to me things of old
Those that hurt, that sting more hurtful
Than what gloom can ever do

Tonight I do something different
Than what I always do
Because I'm tired of being used to
What I already know of despondence

This midnight, I pray
For something new
I will sleep away this sadness
I face my fears as I dream and not lose

Tomorrow morning
When things are of more light
I'll be better. This time
It'll no longer be the same

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Faith I

"Even if the world is silent right now despite my loads of questions... I know that I still have friends."

~Faith

My Rest (And Talking About Something)

The only lesson that rang the loudest bell in my ear today is about keeping watch of what I do, especially for God's glory.

I have just checked my myLasalle portal account to view my grades and check what's going on. Who knows, there might already be an update about my grades. I'd like to cut short my prolonged agony anyway. By agony, I wish to refer to anxiety. My heart was still pounding when I viewed my grades. I only saw 'NGS' which means 'No Grades Yet'. I saw the titles of the courses, one and the first of them being something that began with "Organization", I thought that it was for the second term and that there was some sort of error. I again tried to look at it clearer, this time holding my trembling anxiety. At last, I saw that there weren't any grade encoded online yet. Oh, well. The agony still breathes.

I should really evaluate my performance this term. I think that I have tried to evade facing the truth about what's really happening with my academic performance. This time, I believe, is the time that I finally face what I have long tried to deny.

In simple words, my academics are shattering, and are crumbling into pieces. It is in a deep, dark, and shameful place. To look at it, if it can be looked at, would only cause remorse or disgust. Well, that's the way I would most likely look at it.

Why? Have I lost my zeal? Zeal, for me, is even too small a word to describe what I had before. It's a very academic term. It was more like a gift handed to me freely, promised to me. Now, it seems like I haven't been a good steward to the things entrusted to my care.

What am I doing? What are the reasons behind my invisible fall? Why is it that my destruction is too silent and subtle? It's as if not telling me the truth though it's happening right in front of my face.

I cannot simply wish for the zeal to come back. Oh, I'm using zeal as the term again. I must look on. I must know His answer. I know I'll get it soon. By faith, I do. I need Him now more than ever. He's all that I'll ever need. I'm really regretful, shameful, and sorry that I laid low in faith.

I glimmered with the sensation of the talk. I walked in only the fame of the fad. However, I never really entered the ball because I never believe that I was part of it. Now my soul longs for it more than ever. I care no longer in what other people think about life. I only need one thing, and that one thing I can find in Him...

This is my personal desire.

My You. My Selah. My Rest...

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Race

A simple set of verses. :)

I've been a fool, ran like I was blind
Now I've learned my lesson, a renewed mind

So when the Red Sea parts for me
It is my sign to go for thee

And I wouldn't rush to run the race
Unless what's ahead is my resting place

Tonight I bid a prayer to seal
My heart's desire, fervor and zeal

Sunday, February 22, 2009

One of the Best/Most Sensible Surveys Ever Made

Not your normal questions. Believe me.

1 . What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?

- I guess that the first one is. I can't get to control my emotions, be it happy, glad, sorrowful, or whatever. I react right away when people react. I usually even precede their actions and misunderstand them. Hahaha. Sometimes, pag natawa na'ko bago ka pa magsalita (not that you're funny or anything, but maybe I'm delighted or some sort), it's just a typical example of that happening.

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?

- Pride. Dahil sa pride ko, I guess.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call and what will be your msg to him/her?

- I don't know. Family? Or, better yet, God whom I can wish to to give them my message?

4. If you could do anything OR wish

- I don't wish for anything (at parang hindi ko yata naintindihan itong item na 'to?)

5. You can have only one of the following two things: trust or love

- Love na lang. Truth can be bent kasi, and trust is fading. ;)

6. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?

- Yata? Haha. Not a big deal.

7. Who is the last person you've thought?

- Uhh, si ano. Wag na lang. Hindi naman nagbabasa ng mga ganito 'yun.

8. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

- Yes. I'd perfectly undersand myself, and I'll get a backup when I need to rest. ;)

9. Would you sleep with someone if u had the chance?

- Yes? If I had the "chance" nga eh, right? Wasn't it that I liked for the opportunitiy to happen? Or did I assume? Did I get the question right anyway? :))

10. Are you old fashioned?

- I am a mix of liberalism/modernism and conservatism. And it's a good combination.

11. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

- The latter. Mahirap mag-paasa and walang mabigay-back ng love to somebody who gives it to you. It's really difficult to hurt others too, lalo na. Hirap. It makes you feel trapped. ;)

12. What would be the hardest thing for you to give up?

- Reservations.

13. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?

- Uhh, romantic love, nah-uh. Familial and friendly. ;)

14. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

- Family.

15. Would you give a homeless person CPR?

- CPR? Homeless? Connection? I'm lost! :O

16. You are holding onto your grandmother.

- Then what? Well, if I was holding to her, I'll hold her gently and I'll protect her. I'll thank God for her. :)

IF YOU HAVE 3 MONTHS TO LIVE:

17. Are you going to tell everyone that you're going to die?

- Sure. They love me too and I don't want to hurt them more.

18. What do you do with your remaining days?

- Show love. :)

19. Would you be afraid?

- I normally would, but I won't. :)

20. Whose life are you willing to sacrifice in order to live?

- Nothing. Do I have that right to choose another's life to sacrifice? Well, at least Somebody died for me... :)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dad at 13: A Lesson About Over-Sexualisation.

Baby-faced Alfie, who is 13 but looks more like eight, became a father four days ago when his girlfriend Chantelle Steadman gave birth to 7lb 3oz Maisie Roxanne.

He told how he and Chantelle, 15, decided against an abortion after discovering she was pregnant.

The shy lad, whose voice has not yet broken, said: “I thought it would be good to have a baby.

“I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”

Alfie, who is just 4ft tall, added: “When my mum found out, I thought I was going to get in trouble. We wanted to have the baby but were worried how people would react.

“I didn’t know what it would be like to be a dad. I will be good, though, and care for it.”

Alfie’s dad Dennis told how the lad does not really understand the enormity of his situation — but seemed desperate to be a devoted and responsible father.

Secret

He wanted to be the first to hold Maisie after the hospital birth. He tenderly kisses the baby and gives her a bottle.

And Dennis, 45, said: “He could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation. But he has been at the hospital every day.”

Maisie was conceived after Chantelle and Alfie — just 12 at the time — had a single night of unprotected sex.

They found out about the baby when Chantelle was 12 weeks pregnant.

But they kept it a secret until six weeks later when Chantelle’s mum Penny, 38, became suspicious about her weight gain and confronted her.


After that Alfie’s family told only those closest to them for fear he would be “demonised” at school.

Chantelle gave birth to Maisie on Monday night after a five-hour labour at Eastbourne Hospital, East Sussex.

Last night she told The Sun: “I’m tired after the birth. I was nervous after going into labour but otherwise I was quite excited.”

Chantelle told how she discovered she was expecting after going to her GP with “really bad” stomach pains. She said: “Me and Alfie went. The doctor asked me whether we had sex. I said yes and he said I should do a pregnancy test. He did the test and said I was pregnant. I started crying and didn’t know what to do.

“He said I should tell my mum but I was too scared.

“We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”

But Penny figured out what was going on after buying Chantelle a T-shirt which revealed her swelling tum.

Chantelle admitted she and Alfie — who are both being supported by their parents — would be accused of being grossly irresponsible. She said: “We know we made a mistake but I wouldn’t change it now. We will be good loving parents.

“I have started a church course and I am going to do work experience helping other young mums.

“I’ll be a great mum and Alfie will be a great dad.”

Chantelle and Maisie were released from hospital yesterday. They are living with Penny, Chantelle’s jobless dad Steve, 43, and her five brothers in a rented council house in Eastbourne. The family live on benefits. Alfie, who lives on an estate across town with mum Nicola, 43, spends most of his time at the Steadmans’ house.

He is allowed to stay overnight and even has a school uniform there so he can go straight to his classes in the morning.

Alfie’s dad, who is separated from Nicola, believes the lad is scared deep down.

He said: “Everyone is telling him things and it’s going round in his head. It hasn’t really dawned on him. He hasn’t got a clue of what the baby means and can’t explain how he feels. All he knows is mum and dad will help.

“When you mention money his eyes look away. And she is reliant on her mum and dad. It’s crazy. They have no idea what lies ahead.”

Dennis, who works for a vehicle recovery firm, described Alfie as “a typical 13-year-old boy”.

He said: “He loves computer games, boxing and Manchester United.” Dennis, who has fathered nine kids, told how he was “gobsmacked” when he discovered Alfie was to be a dad, too.

He said: “When I spoke to him he started crying. He said it was the first time he’d had sex, that he didn’t know what he was doing and of the complications that could come.

“I will talk to him again and it will be the birds and the bees talk. Some may say it’s too late but he needs to understand so there is not another baby.”


Lovely

Chantelle’s mum said: “I told her it was lovely to have the baby but I wish it was in different circumstances. We have five children already so it’s a big financial responsibility. But we are a family and will pull together and get through.

“She’s my daughter. I love her and she will want for nothing.”

Last night Michaela Aston, of the anti-abortion Christian charity LIFE, said: “We commend these teenagers for their courage in bringing their child into the world.

“At the same time this is symptomatic of the over-sexualisation of our youngsters and shows the policy of value-free sex education just isn’t working.”

Today Sussex Police and the local council's children services said they have investigated the case and pledged continued support for the young parents.

Britain’s youngest known father is Sean Stewart. He became a dad at 12 when the girl next door, 15-year-old Emma Webster, gave birth in Sharnbrook, Bedford, in 1998. They split six months later.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Social Interaction: Cyberspace vs. Face-to-face


PLEASE DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. PLEASE QUOTE PROPERLY.

Primer: this is a paper that I made for one of my courses this term. I made this one today. I just liked it that's why I wanted to share it. :)

I. Are there important differences between social interactions in cyberspace compared with face-to-face meetings?

Face-to-face Social Interaction
Social Interaction in face-to-face meetings are more genuine. What you see is almost exactly what you get (if not for some wrong presumptions about other people). Aside from that, personal meetings allow people to interact verbally, or physically. It is stated by Hunter that physical interaction stimulates the body and the mind, making it a healthy activity. It provides biological and psychological stimulation which results to actions that are beneficial to the whole community and it also "encourages a more socially oriented populace".

Cyberspace Social Interaction
As compared to face-to-face interaction, in online communication, people can hide their real identities which gives rise to security and trust issues. Internet communication "cannot protect people from deceit" as people have the luxury of anonymity. Online communities do not require physical stimulation aside from typing and reading (if there are any stimulation present at all). It promotes a limited and uncertain world or community.

II. What are the advantages and disadvantages of online interaction compared with meeting people face to face?

Advantages
First of all, online interaction allows more freedom. It supports and gives birth to modern philosophies that emphasizes neutrality and subjectivity of the being of the soul. It 'disgenders' gender and it allows the focus on individual's choices. Meeting people face to face, however, creates bounds and standards. It also significantly requires more effort to project a social particular image. People may accept or reject you, and the effects are big to the individuals.

Secondly, it broadens communication means. It allows easier, cheaper, maintainable, and varied connections to other people. It allows increased connection between individuals. Geographical boundaries are being surpassed and defeated by online communication where race, gender, and other different factors matter a little lesser. Face-to-face interactions, on the other hand, are difficult to maintain, and at times, are costly. Geographical boundaries can limit this type of communication. It presents more challenges to keep.

Third, Net-based communication provides strong supplemental support to other forms of communication. It also provides more digitally interactive means. it allows easier and more convenient forms of online collaboration even with the presence of the bounds of proximity. Conferences, and other forms of communication can be done online. In contrast, face-to-face interaction requires raw forms of communication.

Fourth, it allows different disabled groups to interact with others. Online communication can be a form of a specialized tool of communication meant to be beneficial for specific special groups. In contrast, face-to-face interaction presents various limitations between different specialized groups and other "normal" communities. Rejection of these specialized, among others, are big problems in the personal, face-to-face interaction.

Last among others, but not the least, online communities encourage socially beneficial behaviour. It allows ease of entry and to different sorts of communities. If an individual wants to enter a particular community, he/she can do it with ease. If one feels uncomfortable in a particular community, one can easily dismiss himself/herself from it, unlike face-to-face interaction which extremely affects a person both in entry and rejection in and of a particular community.

Disadvantages
Online interaction is a very great venue for deceitful identity playing and abusing aother people's trust. It obviously doesn't protect people from being secure about their own and other's online information. Since cyberspace defeats lots of boundaries and limitations present in the real world, truth and identity is very much relative. Face-to-face interaction, on the other hand, encourages genuinity of the character of individuals, encourages trust, and other healthy activities that promote social well-being, among others.

Online interaction also depersonalizes communication. Users have found lack of emotions and feelings in cyberspace communication as compared to face-to-face interactions. It sometimes causes miscommunication of felings. Face-to-face interaction, however, allows more perceivable emotions through gestures, tones, eye-contact, and the like.

Words aired in online interaction are characterized as duplicitious, and even self-deceiving. Individuals can project an entirely different persona than they are in the real world through cyberspace. Unlike cyberspace interaction, face-to-face communication allows, again, genuinity of words and thoughts communicated to others. It is so because people are able to perceive more clearly and more powerfully through personal/face-to-face interaction.

Lastly, but not the least, online interaction causes a decrease in the political involvement of people. It decreases social capital due to a shift from the face-to-face community into cyberspace. People become less and less involved with others. It also disallows the many benefits of personal interaction described in the early parts of this paper (e.g. overall individual biological and psychological well-being). In contrast, face-to-face interaction, aside from the points already mentioned, allows and builds up social capital through involvement of people with others.

References
Wobbrock, J. (2003). The benefits of physical edges in gesture-making: empirical support for an edge-based unistroke alphabet. Retrieved February 9, 2008 from the World Wide Web: http://portal.acm.org/citation.cfm?id=766083.

Hunter, B. (N.D.). The subtle benefits of face-to-face communication. Retrieved February 9, 2008, from the World Wide Web: http://www.stanford.edu/class/symbsys205/facetoface.html.

Google search. Benefits of Physical Interaction. Retrieved February 9, 2009 from the World Wide Web: http://www.google.com.ph/search?q=benefits+of+physical+interaction&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

When People Love You Less

We should really love ourselves first before we can love others. This is already scratchy but we can't give what we don't have. We are only asked to "love our neighbors as ourselves". Not, to love our neighbors and not ourselves. We sort of define the threshold of the amount of love that others can give us. Because, if they exceed that limit and we couldn't take it, it will only be put to waste.

Much to loving ourselves is the question how we can do it. Sometimes, we might just have to much a reason not to. Solution? Look on the higher source of love. I wonder... ;)

When People Love You Less


When people love you less,
It just means that you should love yourself more,
And only then can you love others,
And then they can love you more.

Selah. ;-)

This Love Song

This was supposed to be only just a simple thought to ponder... Turns out it had a rhythm on its own. It's living...

This Love Song

Have you ever listened to love songs
And felt how much they're for somebody?

Have you ever listened to love songs
And thought of someone so dearly?

But have you ever listened to love songs
And grieve at the reality

That the one you think of the love song's for
Just couldn't ever be?

Sad, right? :)

Am I Ready to Give You Away?

Sometimes, we think that we should leave the people we are closely attached to, romantically, brotherly/sisterly, or in whatever form of bond. It usually happens when we see and feel that things no longer work the way they do before, and when things don't turn out good.

It becomes difficult to stay in exactly the same situation with a person you know. There must be progression. Signs like wavering of relationships and bond only indicate progression. We cannot stay forever in our old ways. We must learn how to handle the new things and the changes in others. It doesn't mean that we should break away from the people we love. We should just progress with them.

Well, in the mean time, while you're pondering the point above, let me share a little something more for you to ponder on. Let's just say, "what if...". Let's imagine... ;)

Am I Ready To Give You Away?

Am I ready to give you away
To some place farther
Where you can surely stay
And where you'll feel better?

Is it worth the cost
To put you where you belong
Is it for the better cause
To just leave you along?

Tonight I ask myself again
Not sure what I should do
Am I ready to carry on the pain
My greatest dream, my you?

Written on February 7/8, 2008, midnight.

The Cost of Goodbye

Sometimes, we try to make ourselves fit where we really couldn't. Sometimes, we insist on fighting for something that isn't really for us. In the end, we only lose. And, if we don't, we gain nothing. It only tells us that the best option is to say goodbye. A new and greener ground is waiting. It is only waiting for our looking.

We might not know it but we have the tendency to push ourselves to something or somewhere that we don't really belong to. The reason is because we fear that we might not be left with anything to accept us. What we don't know is that our perfect place is only waiting for us.

We were made to fear almost about anything in life. It caused us to do silly things. In reality, however, there is a lot in store for us. It only gets complicated when where we presently put ourselves in begins to reject us, we have a hard time accepting because we got used to it already.

A natural reaction of the body to foreign elements (e.g. cough, choking, etc.) is to eject it. Much is the same for us in this world. If we could only look at it as a friendly way of telling us that we aren't there yet... But when has rejection ever been enjoyable anyway?

We fear. And, what sole way there is to solve it? You find out... ;)

The Cost of Goodbye

Sometimes, it's difficult
To let go of that smile
And of the streams of giggles
That you've always yearned for

Sometimes, it's hard
To give up on the good times
And on the dreams you've built
That you've ever hoped for

But sometimes, too
The only way left
Is the way down there
Where it undeniably stings

But sometimes, too
I seems all wasted
The time and love alike
When it inevitably hurts

And sometimes, too
You just have to pay
The simple but dreary
Cost of goodbye

After these times
When all had been over
And tears have bid their bye
Your eyes gently open

After these times
When you've learned a lesson
And when you're made stronger
You see a new door open

If ever I fall and cry again
It'd be worth the try
This time I'd pay again
The cost of goodbye

Written on February 7, 2009, 23:40

SINONG MAY PLERK??? (TRANSLATED: PLURK)

ADD NIYO AKO!!! HAHAHA!!!

Here's my link: http://www.plurk.com/matcieou7th

Wala lang. I realized that I need to record/document sudden and spontaneous thoughts. I had a similar site before, projectexperience, but I rarely use it and I only have a few local friends. :'(

Salamat!!! *sinister laugh* >:))

The Church is Undeniably Just Such A Blessing... :)

I'm so thankful that I was able to go to church and hear the message today. Aww. Hahaha. Everything's different to me na. After all the changes, it's really odd (as to what I'm referring to, I'll be keeping it to myself).

I just want to document myself saying that I really am fortunate, lucky, and more appropriately blessed to have been able to attend. Attend means much more than just the physical presence. You get more out of it. You receive the outpouring of grace.

I just perfectly had the lesson that I was looking for. Surely, everything I ask goes not unanswered. I'm equipped for tomorrow. May I continually be. ;)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The Swallow of the Morn and Night

Sometimes, we feel lost. Sometimes, things we do are very much routinary. Sometimes, things around us that happen don't make any sense. To add to that more, sometimes, we just hate the whole of the day and all in it.

There must be some reason why we sometimes feel that way. We all need purpose. Without purpose, we are like a beheaded rooster with only little time left to move our feet. There is uncertainty.

I chose swallows to represent my persona because it completely epitomizes routinary (if there's such a word) life. They represent fragility and carefree-ness. Their eyes, too, amaze me, as their fleeting life also does.

I've dedicated this poem before for somebody whom I've observed was really, really empty. I think that this time, I should be dedicating this one to myself. :))

The Swallow of The Morn and Night

In the skies of white
It lunges from its lair
It poses to take flight
And glides in the air

It comes out, appears
From its hollow nest
To banish all its fears
And to find real rest

From a long way
It here today has come
Fled from being prey
Seeks home all this time

In the silence of its land
It ponders on its quest
It's vision, fragile, grand
Has seen east to west

Every morn and night
It doesn't stop nor pause
I hope it sees its light
And someday find its cause

I'm grateful that I'm no swallow. Thanks to God for all that... :)

Note: I wrote this last October 2, 2008. Just re-posting since I'm transferring my posts from another blog. :)

The Smiling Pretender

These verses are just about humility and the praise of them. Humility entitles people with praise and rewards more than pride can give. :)

Look on below and read a simple and short story of humility. :)

The Smiling Pretender

He rejects with all his might
The praise that he all harbors
He giggles in the night
And braces in the fervor

He's king of denial
When it comes to his titles
But when he's sentimental
He keeps humble superlatives

The smiling pretender he's
Great in hiding light
But what he doesn't know is
Fire burns, comes out

Now this little captive
Is revealed to all
No longer will deceive
Will answer to his call

The days of pretense over
Masks hand-down at last
The mister has returned all after
With face in glimmer blast

Note: written last August 9, 2008 at somewhere in the midnight, after some few or several minutes after. Just a re-post. :)

The Adventurer

Aww, this one's a classic. I've written this year at about some time last year. Haha. I like this one because it tells of a story of chivalry, journey, and strength. I hope you get to like it too!

A journey of different images and endless joys in the pain, smiles, and flashes of medieval chivalry, and the stories that never end. That is how life's steps are. That is how I see it.

I may add more to lines in the future as I'm enjoying it. :)

He looks from afar
And sees how much he tread
He smiles at the war
At how much he's defeated

His adventurer feet ain't tired
He's not yet reached his goal
He'll go on with his ride
And climb the highest wall

In every fight he emerges from
He bleeds, he breaks, he shouts
Yet he survives to see the morn
And heals when in the shrouds

Awake, he is, he goes on
Sees the dawn, a light
This glimpse of east from the sun
Keeps him on the fight

More stories untold of him
Lie in wait, excited
The way that he writes his dreams
Makes me, you, ever delighted

Note: written last August 9, 2008 at somewhere in the midnight. I don't know but it was written some few or several minutes after the preceding one. Just re-posting. ;)

The Deep

Sometimes, a person's depth goes unnoticed. But, there are times that it finally gets the attention that it so rightfully deserves. Sometimes, there are friends who sacrifice and bears the burdens of others. Sometimes, there are people who show you that they're okay and outwardly smile, but deep inside, they're holding something really heart-tearing. It's just that they don't have the luxury of spilling them out to you because it'll tear you apart too.

We are in need of friends -- people who can be there for you. We've been hearing the quote "no man is an island" over and over again. But this time, it really makes sense, doesn't it?

The Deep

Oh, I have this friend
Who always has a smile
And I'm grateful for that
It sheds me a mile

In my daily life
Of personal travel
I ask myself how
Can someone, for you, be there?

This is in light of the one
Who has been all-smiles
How you keep simple
And joy in others' flight

Cos you are the deep
And you are the blue
Who sheds inside tears
And bleeds for others, true

What you do not know
Is that there's a call at night
That sings your lullaby's
Rewards a gift of white

Note: written last August 9, 2008 at somewhere in the midnight, 13 minutes after the first one.

This Friend of Mine

Sometimes, friends from afar (literally) emote. They do. Hahaha. Sometimes, they don't. Well, at the times that they do, they feel inferior and worthless. That happens most especially when they see the gifts of other people that they [think] they don't have.

Well, to oppose that thought that only creates fear and anxiety, I've made a little something for a particular friend. May this dispel that fear. :)

This Friend of Mine

This little friend of mine
Made a simple request
Something worth remembering
Something that could express

Something that doesn't really
Happen that much usually
And for that, I think I owe him/her
Even if it sounds silly

A little something out
Of my unlimited stash
I can give him/her even if
It appears that it's not that much

However, there's a twist
Cos I consider this as art
I wanna say that this
Also came from my heart

So here's a little message
To my dear friend afar
Stay safe and blissful
I'm near wherever you are :D

Note: written last August 9, 2008 at somewhere in the midnight.