Thursday, October 1, 2009
"Keep your foot firmly planted forward, Matt", I tell myself tonight.
In one of my previous blogs, I've said something about how I was haunted by thoughts of being overwhelmed and overthrown by others, and the thought of not being able to bring out my best at things, especially where I used to excel at the most.
Tonight, things are much better, I feel.
Have I written anything in here about how I stop doing something I'm good at when people start flocking to do the same thing? Well, I might have not detailed on it before if I have. Let me do so, now.
I have been at a grave point of refraining from doing the things I'm good at when came high school. It's probably because of my foundation-shaking experience in transferring between schools during my elementary years, especially late elementary. As a result, I stepped into high school in an indisposed situation. Those years, too, were tempestuous years for my family as it was the down years when my dad lost his job as a senior geologist.
From there, I realize that the bolts that come to our life only zaps us up to ready us for a zoom.
On my first year in high school, at the first day, I was a late-comer because I was a late enrollee. Things weren't really certain that time when you ask me, so I don't know if I was really there in school, and if it's real enough. If it's indeed happening, it might very much be a rocky ride.
This explains why I wasn't the best person in high school; I admit that there were a lot of people who I pissed off back in high school, I used to play a prank on almost all of the professors, I used to do some petty lies about myself (that none really knew about actually) to cover up my insecurities (that, funny thing is, cried out loud actually), and some other minor nuisance I've framed. Right now, though, I just want to believe that they've all grown mature enough to understand me. It might just be me that's left who needs to believe in it.
But, opposed to what I subconsciously believed would happen, my high school days and years became gradually pleasant. There were still some struggles, but it's just now that I can see that I've survived and grown stronger in those years. I've adapted and had been resilient without me being fully aware of it.
My high school days saw how I started abandoning some of my strengths, talents, and gifts. For one, I used to believe that I was the best in the craft of drawing and related arts. When I entered high school, with raw talent in my pocket and probably some arrogance, I went on using my skill on the minimal. But, as the days and high school years went by, my passion and fondness for drawing and the arts started to slowly fade.
One reason I know why my attachment to the arts deteriorated is the thought of already being good in my skill combined with the thought of the "perfect time, perfect opportunity = perfect art". To put it more clearly, I have this internal rule that it's either I do my best and I be the best at my craft, or I shouldn't practice it at all. Also, because of the popularity of japanese "anime", a lot of kids my age began being delighted with the art of drawing. It pretty much became a bandwagon material, and I, being a non-conformist, had the only option of quitting.
Today, I've detected a pattern of my behaviour when it comes to something I do good at. When you kick in change, my steady pattern of excellence is shaken. That's when I start to behave in an erratic and unpredictable manner. But, it's not without me learning anything from my experiences. I have been trying to stress out a lot, as can even be seen in my previous posts, that I'm still trying to figure out my "own personal change". And, I guess, I'm doing great at it!
I can talk more about the details that led me to these realizations about change, but it will only prolong my labour.
Just a while ago, while I was in deep reflection, I was telling myself that I will begin breaking away from the mundane. Specifically, I wanted to stop writing mundane stuff or fillers on my blog. It's been part of my struggle this last year since some major phase shift in my life. Now, it seems like I'm doing it again. Or not?
I guess that me writing about this particular entry, among others, just shows how different this is. From my personal inner feeling of contentment and actuality, I can tell that this is definitely not mundane. I cannot stress out any better, even in some of my previous blogs, outrightly said or not, that these words reflect who I am and who I am is a treasure worth preserving. These words are all over the place, actually!
I have a lot of fixing to do tonight; and even tomorrow, I'll still have a lot to patch up about my life. From my desolate multiply site, even the ruinous Friendster, to even things that are better left unsaid or kept to myself.
The physical and the superficial reflect the shadows of the deep things anyway, don't they? I guess that this is just some sign that I am in need of picking up the pieces and mounds of litters that I have created behind me, those that I have tried forgetting. I'll have to face them all in the end and clean them up if not be consumed by them. But, the latter option wouldn't be fit for me to do. I was born to end up doing the right thing and not to end up falling, I believe.
Falling is just a part of the journey of learning. It happens until your eyes fully open.