I was not able to go to church this Sunday. It has been like that for about a month now. Since my stay in Manila, and going home on Saturday evenings, I find myself having a hard time going to church. I do not think that it's because I am staying in Manila, but it may have something to do with it.
From what I have observed, I do not wake-up from my bed on few occasions, resulting to me feeling like missing the church service. First is, whenever people are starting to prepare for church, but do not wake me up or remind me that they are going. Second is, whenever people are starting to prepare for church, but tell me sarcastic, negative remarks about me not going to church.
I immediately lose interest in church given those situations, and decide to let them go ahead, and figure out things on my own when everyone's gone. I hate being under the attention of others for something negative, just for me to do something good. I do not want to do good things just because people are thinking bad of me. I want to do good things because in my heart I know those are the things that I should be doing.
I have noticed that negative remarks do not help me at all. On Sunday mornings, it's either I want to go, or am not that interested. If in my heart, I want to go, and others would start on me by saying negative things about being disinterested, I hate that feeling. It's as if I would like to tell them to shut-up because they are wrong, and I need not prove them anything. I don't want to prove them wrong in their own terms, because I am doing "church", among others, for myself, and not for them. But, I end up keeping it to myself, discouraged, and ultimately get affected and uninterested. I hate that feeling, but sadly, it happens all the time.
The danger in telling people negative things even though they do not feel the same way we do is we make judgments of them, when in fact we are wrong. Our judgments turn into poisonous words, affecting others.
The next situation is when I do not feel that interested. When people tell me how disinterested I am, it just reinforces what I already feel. It just gives me more reason to lose interest. Is that how we should talk? Does anyone still know how to use more positive, and encouraging words? Because that will help everyone. I believe we do, but we just do not.
I have learned yesterday, Saturday, March 26, that I should just use kind words in exchange of harsh ones to tame a fire, and reduce it into a tiny, beautiful spark. My friend was already fusing about him going early to our meet-up for a subject in school, ranting violently. But, I held my equally-sharp speech nonchalantly, and instead simply said sorry. What happened is my friend immediately felt understanding.
Words should be chosen with understanding, and wisdom. We oftentimes take our words too easily, and simply say that we did not mean things. But, I believe we should be fully accountable for all the words that we say. If we ever make mistakes with words, we should be open, humble, mature, and honest enough to admit them, and correct them afterwards. People can be forgiving and understanding on the other hand, too.
Imagine the power of words. I am encouraging everyone, most especially myself, to carefully and wisely choose their words each time. This may not be an easy one. But, to the most, I just pray to have that kind of wisdom in my heart throughout my life, much like the prayer of King Solomon.
I feel really sad today that I was not able to go to church. Of course, I could not show that to anybody because my actions do not speak for myself. But, in my heart I am very repentant. Sometimes these contradicting situations make me feel confused, and oftentimes leave me at the side of the errant.
I already had plans last night of going to church, and seeking God. In fact, I actually prayed for a genuine experience of my Christian faith. I might not have had that today, in the going-to-church sense, but I still believe in it, and looking forward to that experience. Right now, I do not want to limit my experience of God in my ability to go to church, and my inability to do so.
I still feel really sorry, but I want to get this off my head.