Today, having woke up at 12 noon, I virtually had only half the day there is. My lined-up activities for today are the following: 1) basic necessities; 2) go to school to fix my enrollment stuff; 3) and other things that I could think of to kill time. That is how complicated my day should be. However, my own story of self-sufficiency stretches way beyond today. It extends even to my yesterdays and my tomorrows. It's a summary of my WHOLE life. Simply said, I am a lesson of surrender and the epitome of neediness.
It is not the first time, if I ever do, that I feel the "need" to draw closer to the Abba, Father. I have an innate call to feel His warmth, even at least every season. There is no miss in my life that I feel the necessity of drawing strength from Him. There are also numerous times that I grieve and long for His words as if my tummy went overnight without food. That is, also, recently what I've been through. However, I do not want to cage this experience by my yesterday. It is a lifetime privilege and blessing, I believe.
With this certain voice inside me calling, as if a natural mechanism of my soul, I may say that I experience the difficulty of answering such internal call to draw near. I almost all the time fail. I only see myself successfully clinging to Him at my lowest point and I think that it has become difficult for me to wait for those situations alone for me to gain His help, His hand.
But, with all said and done, today is something new. While I was on my way to school today, as I was seated on a Green Star bus, I was hearing His voice calling over and over again at my name. I can't really explain "how" I can say I "heard" His voice because it's a mixture of physical, spiritual, mental, and other factors inside me. These things just cannot be easily grasped by physical or human terms because they are way beyond it. With me looking out the window, I was sensing Him telling me that I can only succeed in everything, particularly my enrollment problems and concerns, through His power and strength, and that I am weak.
I agree to that voice anyway. All I've ever done by myself has all been failures, stresses, disappointments, and short-falling glories that have their moments together with the ill effects in them. I knew that today, my immediate yet somewhat long-term enrollment concern, would shatter me if I try to fix it by myself. I also knew that His STRENGTH, bigger than mountains, and not to speak of the universe, is the only force that can move this hill in front of me. I can try, yes, but I fear and I know that I will only worsen the situation. The best and only option, then, is to just give up.
Yesterday, as I was fixing my stuff, I found out that I carried with me an Our Daily Journey book. This book is what I'm using since I do not have a copy of the popular Our Daily Bread book. It was also actually quite funny because out of all the times I was searching madly for it in times of dire need, I could find nothing, only to find out that it was with me all along. How ironic! During the travel on the bus, with this voice speaking inside me, my hands moved as if it needed to reach out this booklet. I took my time, though, and relaxed a little bit first. I did not want to be dictated of what I know or think I need. I want to read because I need to read and not because I THINK that I should read.
For September 19, 2008, the passage was taken from Psalm 42:1-6. It was about dears whose sufficiency is on the rivers of the water. The author, Joe Stowell, compared the gazelles with camels. Camels can live for 3 months without water in the desert. Gazelles, on the other hand, need water for their "fast-paced existence" just the way they were described in the psalm: they pant for water. The author also said that "we weren't built for life in a spiritual desert. We were built-redeemed, in fact-for regular, satisfying access to the refreshing presence of God in our souls".
With that, I saw how much I was so self-sufficient. I thought I could do it all and that I am mighty by myself. I was utterly wronged. I felt like I lived in the desert and it opened my eyes. That time I prayed to God to restore me and place me in His paradise once again. I wanted to be in a place where the only need is Him and Him alone. Today, that is what I've learned. I can REALLY DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST. Amen. :)
After having arrived at the College's Office to talk to the Academic Assistant about my enrollment disaster and concern, I prayed that whatever that's gonna happen is in His mighty hands already. I told myself that I need not to worry anymore. There are no accidents, I tell myself.
After a short while, the Acad. Assistant arrived and I was able to talk to her. To cut short, she told me that they did something to reconsider the applicants whose requests were rejected. For that, I thank God. To think that I had a lot of explanations, points of debates and concerns, and criticisms prepared and to have not been able to use them? Argh. I am a fool. Still, with the results still coming out tomorrow, it still is in God's hands and not mine.
I went off the office thanking the ones that needed to be thanked (including, of course, the Father), and went on my way. Then, too, I met some of the guys I knew who are part of the Student Council which I was hoping to talk to about some concerns. To cut that moment short too, I was invited to join them to be part of the Student Council which was also already what I had in mind.
Wow. All these in one shot? I just can only say that all I need is Him. Period and proven. So, stop your being self-sufficient now. Plug in, as they say, to the ultimate source of power and possibilities. Hahaha! :)