Tonight, I'm feeling compulsive. I've been feeling really stressed out too. Argh! Work responsibilities (yeah, I still haven't "officially" withdrawn from my work -- not 'til Friday), ERRANDS (yeah, in big LETTERS cos they're not just your simple run-to-the-nearest-store-and-get-me-this-and-that errands, but HEAD-PULSATING ones!!!), social pressure (well, it includes some family-related thoughts that I have -- some normal phenomena, don't worry), and some that I might even have forgotten to mention. BUT, (yeah, but), I'm glad that right now, I'm in front of the keyboards (and of course, the screen) tapping into words, words that at the very least soothe me, give me rest, and help me "breathe" again.
I've been wanting to write something new. It's sort of a compulsion (just proves how compulsive I'm being today) for me to think that I NEED to blog. It's because I feel like I've paused too long and have not done a lot of blogs, that I NEED to do something about it, and that I NEED to put something on my personal blog (something written, of course). And, the feeling of me compulsed to do it makes me feel like it's something unreal and not genuine, that if I do write something, I'm gonna ruin the honesty of my blog, the genuineness, and the heart that I've sown in it.
If you look at it as a whole, I'm sort of cornered by two really pressing sides:
1. Me writing blogs to salvage my forgotten and desolate blogs... but risk its integrity because I'm only doing it for the sake of "putting something in it"...
2. "Wait" for the magical "spark" or the "magical moment" that some heavenly inspiration befall me, and I enchantingly write something wonderful, true, me, honest, and blog-worthy. Yet, that "waiting" remains the same -- still an act of waiting. And, in the end, nothing happens. The blogs are still empty. They are left there with flies hovering over them. They have no freshness in them. That Time has passed them by, and the wonderful changes that has happened in the real world and my life has had them left behind.
It's saddening. I feel so emotional and sentimental to think of it right now. Enough to jerk a tear out of my eyes and unto my cheeks. Well, I'm making it more dramatic than it actually is. But, that's how it really is when you write -- you squeeze out the emotions inside of you. The creativity that can be extracted from the world around you. The neon colors that surround you. Isn't that right? It just adds up to the beauty of the world that's bigger and more unimaginable than what we step and breathe on.
Well, at least now I can say that I'm finally able to get through compulsion, and let them all out. It must be just a result of all the stresses that caused me to inhibit some of the things in me, even without me knowing it. Is that even possible? Well, I guess it is.
By the way. I've entitled this blog as the "proof that I'm really feeling compulsive tonight". You might ask why it is so because you might not see anything so compulsive anywhere this blog post aside from me talking about compulsiveness. Or, maybe not... Hahaha! (laughs) Actually, I really do. I'm supposed to be sleeping tonight, but I just can't because I don't feel like sleeping. Somehow, me worrying about the blogs just keeps me from sleeping right. That's also why I'm here right now and writing this. Oh COMPULSION. Compulsion indeed!