Come on outside

Whew, promise! I badly want to go out and see civilization because I feel that I am missing a lot of things in life.

I'm not really a 'gimik' person and I don't really like too much going out especially in Manila alone. Now, I've changed my mind, I've changed too. I think that there's really nothing wrong going out. Maybe I was just very thrifty before and too practical.

Today, I feel the need for fun, for entertainment, for something pleasurable, for something I can do for myself. I feel that I need to treat myself out. I feel that I need to discover the world 'outside' unlike my usual stay at home. I've changed, I've realized that I need to take care of myself. I'm beginning to be responsible of myself and not others. I'm beginning to shift my care from others to myself, or I'm sharing it. I feel that people need not to be taken care of too much if they're not your special someone or love. That way, they'll learn. That way, they'll be responsible too. Being too good is bad, too much is always wrong in many ways [to a lot of things].

I also have lost many things in my life for not being flexible, for being afraid to come outside. Like a "little girl offered a candy, her momma said that it's okay", but her reply was, "no , I can't come out today" (from Sarah McLachlan's song-Good Enough). Yeah, that kind of fear.

I've seen fear, fear looks big enough to eat you if you wear your magnifying glasses. The size of fear is what you make it. No matter how big it may be, adjusting only your eyes would make it small. If not small, very, very big, but only the thickness of a paper [even lesser].

Oh, I hate fear. I wan't to go out, I wanna see other people, I wanna be there with them too. I love them, but if I hold back myself and my inhibitions, I'll have nothing in the end. I want to have what I worked hard for. The measure of my hard work has been very big. I want to have something for myself.

I love you, thank you for teaching me the things in life that I couldn't learn alone... Thank you very much...